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The true Academy Awards
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Back off! It's Ms. Jolie-Pitt!
The Academy Awards never reflect a popular opinion and that's a godsend since popular opinion is prone to flaws, biases, and good ol' idocy. The awards have yet to dwindle to the completely irrelevant status of the Grammys (Katy Perry was nominated - 'nuff said), but it slips closer and closer every year. When the debacle that was "Crash" won several years ago, I thought the awards' relevance had been completely compromised. But several redeeming films have revived the compulsively dull night in recent years - "Slumdog Millionaire" among them.
The main problem seems to be the lack of distinction between different genres. How can a film as ambitious and epicly scaled as "The Dark Knight" ever be nominated next to "The Reader?" They are entirely contradicting entities. I guess they're both motion pictures, but beyond that there are zero similarities. That and Kate Winslet's breasts. No? Well, just the first thing then.
Thus, I would like to offer my set of more distinctive and realistic Oscar categories and winners for the big night. Take note Hugh Jackman.
Best cartoonish action flick that nobody will admit they liked: "Wanted." Sorry, it was entertaining and you know it. I want Angelina Jolie to careen around a desolate street corner and slip me into her Beemer like a hand into an Isotoner. Admit it, you do too.
Best teenage flick: "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." I'm well into my 20's and I could relate to these hormonal outcasts. Theirs was a playlist I wanted to illegally download.
Best performance in a mediocre flick: Anna Faris in "House Bunny." The film caused wincing at times, but dang if that Anna Faris doesn't radiate inane sunshine, cleavage not-withstanding.
Best horror flick: "The Strangers." As creepy as Mickey Rourke, and twice as messy.
Best all-around performances in a flick: The cast of "Rachel Getting Married." Sorry Kate, but you robbed young Ms. Anne Hathaway blind with your best actress win. She inhabited this poor mess and the entire ensemble (particularly Rosemarie Dewitt) was equally - or more - believable. This was one of the most overlooked films in any recent Oscar season.
Anyway, these are a few suggested categories. They're more realistic, more MTV-era viable, and let's face it - way more interesting. E-mail any overlooked suggestions to "todd.ayres@ymail.com".
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