Coping with a spouse's abusive childhood

March 11, 3:17 PMColumbus Relationship Counseling ExaminerHeather Rawlins

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Sad boy

Saskia Massink

Dear Heather,

I have a lot of anger towards my husband's parents, and even though he has made his peace with them, I find I can't get past what they did to him. His dad was verbally and physically abusive and his mom was just absent about it. My husband has a lot of emotional scars because of his parents and when times are tough, like when he's sad and withdrawn, I obsess about them. My husband doesn't like that I do this so it winds up being a tension between us even though I'm on his side. I'm not sure I know how to deal with this anymore.

Dear Belated Hero,

Here is a song for you: Purple Ray Gun. It is about a woman fantasizing that she goes back and rescues her husband from his abusive parent. Be warned, it may make you cry.

The author of this song probably wrote it to take care of her own sense of helplessness about the one she loved having been neglected and so badly loved as a child. It's natural to feel this anger, however the confines of time make it impossible to affect. It's an obvious point but it's an important one. There is nothing you can do about that now. You cannot change what was. You cannot rewrite his life story or recast his parents. You cannot even force his parents to repent. The most you can do is love him now, better than they ever did. 

And that means refocusing the feelings to where they may truly belong. It's common, when a spouse or partner is depressed and withdrawn, to feel fear (helplessness, anxiety, hurt). Fear is a difficult emotion to identify and it's also an uncommon emotion to maintain. Most people mold it into anger because anger feels more powerful and anger has an object. Perhaps you've compassionately displaced your fears from your husband's withdrawal onto the safe object of his parents. You can feel angry at them. They were deserving of it. But, this is a red herring. Your feelings belong inside your home, here and now. 

My advice to you is to carefully identify the real feelings (Is it fear? Anxiety? Helplessness?) And stay with that. Then communicate those feelings to your husband. Anger isn't working and since he was the victim of anger as a child, your anger may hurt him or shut him down. And even though you'd change his history if you could, it's important to keep in mind that somehow, even neglected, abused children love their parents so you'll never win this fight if this is the color of your ray gun.