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An affair doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage
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I met with a client several months ago. Her partner had been unfaithful and she was wondering how much to hope for his change. Right now he is doing all the right things in order to restore the marriage: attending a support group for his addictions, seeing a personal counselor, acting humble while seeking forgiveness. He is open to her questions and offering to be accountable.
This gal is righteous in her anger. I am glad for that. She is standing firm; taking the stance that she is not going to put up with this kind of treatment. On the other hand, she loves him and wants their marriage to succeed.
I passed on a bit of wisdom I got from my mother-in-law: "Staying together is one of the best legacies you can pass on to your kids. If you can make it work, and make your marriage healthy, you pass on such a gift to your children."
Couples are going to go through hard times because marriage takes work! Yes, some couples will have it harder than others. But as Dr. Phil says, “Couples should earn their way out of marriage.” In other words, they should make sure they have tried everything possible to make it work because the pain involved and toll it takes on all involved can be massive.
Of course, no one should stay in an abusive marriage or one in which adultery or substance abuse is a pattern, but children who come from divorced homes don’t have a template for their future marriages.
Also, affairs aren’t really about the attractive “other” – really they are about a developmental stuntedness in the person having the affair. So if the person who had the affair can figure out what his/her missing emotional needs were, and fix them, the marriage can be saved. I look at affairs as a blinking light on the dashboard of your marital car. And affair doesn't mean the car must be scrapped -- it means something needs attention (connection, authenticity, and intimacy).
Only about 5% of affair relationships work out, because the fuel that keeps the affair going is the secrecy. Once the affair is out in the open, you’re left with two immature people who are choosing to seek self-gratification rather than doing the hard work of maturing.
The divorce rate for second marriages is in the 60% range, and third marriages are higher than that. It really does behoove you to try to make your first marriage work!
I recommend a book by Dr. Holly Hein: Sexual Detours
Don’t let the title fool you…it really doesn’t pertain to sex. Instead, it has lots of information about why people have affairs, and the fallout thereafter.
Lastly, I pass no judgment on to those who have divorced. I have sympathy for the pain you must surely have endured. I also agree that some marriages should not have happened in the first place. Many people do find happiness in later marriages.
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