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To spank or not to spank?
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Spanking is back in the news. Estimates vary when researchers try to determine how many parents spank their children, but the number is somewhere between 70 and 90 percent.
My parents spanked. I spanked. Then I went off to graduate school and learned something really interesting.
Spanking does not work.
Sure, it deters a behavior for a short time, but the effect is not lasting and it creates a generalized fear towards the caregiver. Pain and love are now associated.
Anyone trained in the basics of operant conditioning knows that punishment doesn’t deter a behavior. What does deter a behavior is the removal of a pleasurable stimulus. Even if you have no children and own a pet, you know this.
If you’ve ever watched the T.V. show, The Nanny, you know she understands this rule. Nanny does not spank. Instead, things like play time and toys are removed, and the effect is swift. It doesn’t take children very long to shape up and the outcome is long-lasting.
There have been lots of clinical studies linked to the ineffectiveness of spanking and negative side effects. I wish I had been taught this idea when my own kids were growing up. One day I reached across the kitchen counter to give my daughter a hug, and she flinched. Definitely not the response I wanted, but it was understandable, since she didn't know what was coming.
I don’t think the argument should be whether to spank or not. The argument should be:
1. What works? What doesn’t?
2. What has lasting consequences for behavior? What doesn’t?
3. What are surrounding side effects for the parent-child relationship?
Spanking loses big time. It doesn't keep bad behavior from occurring again and it impairs the child/parent relationship. Next time your child is acting out, let her know the consequences up front (e.g. removal of cell-phone, slumber parties, play time), and when she chooses the bad behavior, make her choice and the consequences the “bad guy.” Not you. And lastly, be consistent. There is nothing worse than being inconsistent. If you say you're going to do something, do it.
Let me know how it goes!
To read what "Dr. Phil" says about spanking, click here.
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