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Feelings of interpersonal bankruptcy
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Who hasn’t felt out of resources at some point lately?
With so much focus on the external factors of life and how things are changing economically, it may be at times that we lose sight of what is going on inside. It is easy to justify this when there is such emphasis on hurry-up-and-survive these days. However, one wonders about the cost of devoting so much attention to external difficulty that the changes going on inside aren’t recognized.
Let’s look at one specific area that seems to be affecting many people: change in their relationships with others. Many people have noticed significant shifts in their relationships in the past several months, with a particular focus on “this year feeling different”. We may have let go of, or drifted away from, some who have been close to us. New and clear boundaries may have been set with others.
Within all of this, as with the other changes occurring within Life as We Know It in the world we inhabit, it is easy to feel tired, overwhelmed, taxed to the point of seeming to run out of inner resources. One person recently described it as “having invested so much in people for so long, and not getting any return, that feel like I’m going bankrupt.” What does this mean for us collectively, at a time when there is so much emphasis on relationships being the way out: local agriculture, community action, shared resources, etc.?
A simple way to look at this is to ask: what are the things I feel like I’ve invested too much in within the past year(s) from which there have been no positive outcome? For some, it may be a marital or partnered relationship. For others, it may be a long-held friendship or work relationship that matters. Other associations may apply as well, at many levels from the intimate to the casual. What one finds when one looks at this kind of imbalance is almost like an imbalanced spreadsheet: a whole lot more going out than coming in.
What’s the solution? Most of us certainly don’t want to go around severing ties with those in whom we have invested so much.
One way to look at the imbalance of “relational bankruptcy” is to do what you might do in a financial situation: balance the spreadsheet.
Here is one way to approach it. Consider any and all relational situations that have felt out of balance in your life in the past six months. Write down the ways in which what you have expended in these situations seem to go beyond what came back…how the “spreadsheet” was imbalanced.
Now here comes the evolutionary part. Life is not a bank account, to be sure, and people are whole beings, not numbers. So, let’s allow a little illumination in here. Decide to actively let go of the imbalance you have been carrying in these situations.
What does this look like? It depends on you. Let’s say you’re carrying a “balance sheet” of resentment because you have invested a lot more time and energy in a friendship than your friend has invested. You have “overspent” and are operating at an emotional or spiritual loss. Decide to declare bankruptcy: recognize that you have overspent, admit it, let go and absolve. Forgive yourself, say what you need to say to your friend, and move on. No paperwork required.
Some situations may take deeper discernment; others will be easier. The point is to balance your books. Let go of longstanding internal debt and clear the air.
Who knows…you might have enough internal resources left over to go on vacation
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