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A sense of wonder: How to keep a child's heart open
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"A Childhood Idyll" (1900), by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905)
The other day I heard from a woman in Tennessee who is the mother of an adorable two-year-old boy. How, she wanted to know, “do I get the kid to keep his heart open?”
Here at the Parenting Examiner column, we don’t mess around with the small-potatoes childrearing questions.
Anyway, I thought that was a wonderful question, but before I offered any suggestions I wanted to know more about what she was experiencing (or worried about). “Oh, you know,” she replied, “he came into the world completely connected and open—as all babies do. Now, he has to learn limitations and rules; he’s starting to interact more with other kids. I want him to feel completely divine, while at the same time not whacking anyone because he feels he can. It’s really important to me to cultivate a kid who’s very open to others, and can feel all the love around him. But, you know, while behaving yourself.”
First things first: I’m sending out an all-media alert pointing out that it was a mom in Tennessee, not California, who asserted that she wanted her toddler to “feel completely divine.”
Well, now, we’ve had our little chuckle; let’s see if we can address the issue at hand. Because, no matter how much or little you follow the precepts of The Power of Now, no matter how many or few of the books on your nightstand come from Oprah’s Book Club, no matter how new-agey or old-agey or middle-agey or no-agey you consider yourself to be, you have a stake in this problem.
For my friend in the Volunteer State has stated the parents’ $64,000 Question: How do we nurture that infinite curiosity, that innate adventurousness, that utter guilelessness that characterizes very young children, so that they can draw on it as they get older and not become hardened and cynical--all the while seeing the world for what it is and not prancing blithely through its figurative minefields?
I told my friend that even gods have rules they have to live by; check out the Greek myths, for instance. And I’m not talking about rules on the order of you-can-do-this-but-you-can’t-do-that (although those rules do apply too, both for gods and children--and adults, notwithstanding the methodology of the current administration). I’m talking about rules having to do with consequences.
Here is where the much-misunderstood concept of karma comes in. People in the West think karma is about punishment or retribution or comeuppance. Not so. Karma is about consequences, without the judgment-heavy overtones of punishment, retribution, or revenge. Karma says, “If you do A, B will happen, and you’ll have to deal with that.”
So, if you’re a toddler learning to walk, that translates as, “If you try to walk and you’re not capable of it, you’re gonna fall down.” Or, to put it into a more disciplinary context, “If I put your food on the high-chair tray and you throw it on the floor, mealtime will be over and you’ll come out of the high chair.” Not, “…you’ll be a bad boy,” or “…you will make Mommy [or Daddy] upset,” just, you know, if A, then B.
What this does is encourage--gradually, over time--the notion that it’s possible, even at a very young age, to make choices, and to own them. Now, if your two-year-old doesn’t exhibit the equanimity of the Buddha when you try this on her, don’t come complaining to me. It’s not guaranteed to work right out of the gate, and besides, all of us parents have plenty of unpacking to do--those mental habits and emotional reflexes that let us get anxious and plugged in and find us replaying the tapes of our parents’ methods, which were, I’ll bet, not so enlightened. But over time, this approach encourages autonomy, responsibility, and ownership of one’s actions. That’s the “…while behaving himself” part.
As for the “completely divine” part, the irony here is that a sense of responsibility for one’s actions and choices actually engenders more psycho-emotional security in the child. A deep-seated security, one that transcends having one’s basic material needs met and pertains to the child’s sense of who she or he is and what her or his place in the world is. A security so deep-seated that the child is much more likely to grow up to be a kind, generous, fair, adaptive person rather than a fearful, anxious, neurotically wary or jealous or spiteful or manipulative one.
Such a child can become a powerful adult without being vindictive or Machiavellian or possessive; such an adult can be exceedingly generous with others, materially and emotionally, because s/he is not threatened by the success or happiness of others. Such a person can know, and share, and radiate joy--while also remembering not to walk out into oncoming traffic.
In other words, he/she would feel completely divine, while behaving him/herself.
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