The Tick: 'Pilot'

November 4, 5:34 PMClassic TV ExaminerDoug Krentzlin

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Liz Vassey, Nestor Carbonelle, Patrick Warburton & David Burke in "The Tick"
(Fox TV)

After serving an apprenticeship with the Coen Brothers as their cinematographer, Barry Sonnenfeld went on to direct some very quirky and off-beat comedies like Get Shorty and Men in Black, but arguably the funniest film Sonnenfeld ever directed was the pilot episode of the live-action television version of The Tick (originally broadcast on Nov. 8, 2001). The title role of the bone-headed superhero was played by the inspired choice of Patrick Warburton (best remembered as Elaine’s off-again on-again boyfriend Puddy on Seinfeld).

Written by creator Ben Edlund, the episode begins with The Tick, who is the self-appointed champion of a bus station in the middle of the desert. He stands on the roof, arms akimbo, on the lookout for malefactors. Suddenly, he hears a person in distress. A passenger is attempting to buy a cup of coffee from a balky vending machine. This is a job for The Tick!

The Tick: Stand back, citizen! So, vending menace, we meet again. Did ya jiggle the thing? (passenger nods yes) Armless bandit. (picks up the machine and starts shaking it) Empty your bladder of that bitter black urine people call coffee! It has a price and that price has been paid! (machine finally pours cup of coffee) Java devil, you are now my bitch! (hands passenger the coffee) Here you are, weary traveler, one steamin’ hot cup of justice.

Having served his purpose in freeing the people from the tyranny of the evil coffee machine, The Tick boards a bus for The City. Meanwhile in The City, business tycoon Mr. Fishladder (an uncredited Christopher Lloyd) is horrified to learn that one of his accountants has come out of the closet and is working in a moth costume (although everyone mistakes it for a bunny costume). Fishladder confronts the accountant (David Burke).

Fishladder: Ahem!

Arthur: Mister… Mister Fishladder.

Fishladder: Arthur… It’s still Arthur, isn’t it? Arthur, my time is worth $17 a second. I want an explanation and I want it to cost less than $1500! Go!

Arthur: Oh… uh… well, it’s hard to explain…

Fishladder: $51!

Arthur: Mr. Fishladder… I have been living a lie. I am more than just a mild-mannered accountant. Now I do good work for this firm and I value my job, but my life has just become more than just numbers and deductions and IRAs…

Fishladder: 255!

Arthur: Granted I’ve been doing my parents tax returns since I was six, but, even then, I knew I had a higher calling. I can’t hide it any longer. I…

Fishladder: Don’t say it!

Arthur: I am going to become a superhero. Part-time, at first…

Fishladder: Christ in Heaven! Look at yourself! You’re built like a sensible shoe! You shouldn’t be jumping around town in a body sock fighting crime!

Arthur: Well, I haven’t actually fought any crime yet…

Fishladder: Good! Keep it that way! Crime fights back! Remember the lesson of Metcalf.

Arthur: Metcalf?

Fishladder: Metcalf! Head of shipping and receiving, third floor! Metcalf! He lost all his game pieces like you, cashed in his 401K and bought a jet pack! Now the poor bastard needs a machine… to poop!

When Arthur fails to heed Fishladder’s warning, he is promptly fired and goes to drown his sorrows at The Lonely Panda Bar & Chinese Restaurant. After drinking too much, he goes to vomit in an alley and runs into a band of Commie agents up to no good. They surround Athur and threaten to give him “the Metcalf treatment.” Arthur’s girly man scream of horror brings The Tick to his rescue. After getting over his embarrassment for mistaking Arthur for a damsel in distress, The Tick asks: “I sure would like a slice of your righteous combat pie.”

The Tick then lays waste to the Commies while warning them not to do drugs. Unfortunately, during the battle, The Tick steps on a remote control device that activates a Soviet robot called The Red Menace who is programmed to kill the President of the United States! However, since The Red Menace was built in 1979, it’s only programmed to kill Jimmy Carter.

The Tick and Arthur retreat to the rooftops where they meet two other superheroes: Captain Liberty (Liz Vassey) and BatManuel (Nestor Carbonrelle). When it becomes clear that Captain Liberty and BatManuel are more interested in arguing about their romantic relationship and The Tick is distraught because he stepped on a piece of gum, Arthur is deeply disillusioned.

Arthur: Apparently superheroes are just a bunch of egotistical, self-centered, sexually frustrated kindergarteners. No offense intended.

The Tick: None comprehended.

Arthur goes back to his apartment, but The Tick shows up with a surprise. He captured one of the Commies. The Commie begs Arthur for help, but he reminds the goon that he was going “to Metcalf” him. “Hold on there, bad cop,” The Tick cautions the aggravated accountant..

They discover that Jimmy Carter is in The City and is staying at The Hotel. The Tick and Arthur try to rescue the one-term wonder, but they’re too late. The Red Menace attacks! But with Arthur’s resolve and The Tick’s brute strength, they prevail. “Communism does not pay,” The Tick tells the big red junkpile.

The next day, the four superheroes have lunch at The Lonely Panda, but wait! Apocalypse Cow (who shoots fire out of her udders) is on the loose! Up, up and away!

The Tick: Pilot can be viewed on-line for free at TV.Com. It is also available from Netflix (Disc One) and Amazon.