Get Smart: 'I'm Only Human'

November 3, 4:56 PMClassic TV ExaminerDoug Krentzlin

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Fang in "I'm Only Human"
(NBC Broadcasting)

For those unfamiliar with the term, a “shaggy dog story” is a joke with an elaborate set-up and a non-sequester punch line that, more often than not, has little to do with the set-up. Few people mastered the art of the shaggy dog story better than Get Smart writers Stan Burns, Mike Marmer, Pat McCormack and Ron Friedman.

An episode that features a particularly clever shaggy dog joke, I’m Only Human (originally broadcast on Feb. 26, 1966), concerns, appropriately enough, Agent K9 (a.k.a. Fang). Fang is depressed because he’s been demoted from field agent to clerical duties. (He’s in charge of checking in evidence and burying it.)

When CONTROL learns that KAOS is using a high-class D.C. pet kennel as a front to train dogs to kill their owners, Max (Don Adams) begs the Chief (Edward Platt) to give the undercover assignment to Fang, but the Chief insists that Fang is over the hill. “Fang is just as competent as I am,” Max says. “I know,” the Chief glumly acknowledges.

Against his better instinct, the Chief gives in and tech expert Carlton (Frank DeVol) equips Fang with a collar that has a miniature television camera in it. Max checks Fang into the Washington Pet Spa. The spa’s Beastmaster (Oscar Beregi) quickly figures out that Max and Fang are CONTROL agents and holds Fang prisoner. The Chief forbids Max to rescue Fang. Agent 99 (seriously hot Barbara Feldon) tries to cheer Max up, but he is inconsolable.

Max: Everything reminds me of Fang. Look, his food bowl with his name on it. (reading) “Fang.” My slipper he used to love to chew. His turtleneck sweater. His lead chain. His favorite toy duck… I’m going in after him.

99: Max, you can’t.

Max: Why not?

99: Not without me.

Max and 99 break into the spa and are promptly taken prisoner themselves. The Chief and Carlton discuss the situation, but they know it’s hopeless. Surprisingly, the Chief realizes how much he’s going to miss Max.

The Chief: Everything reminds me of Max. Look, his sweater. My tie he always likes to wear. His courier chain. His favorite toy duck gun…

The Chief decides to organize a rescue mission. In the meantime, Beastmaster has chained up Max and 99 and is setting up a booby trap for the Chief.

Max: There's one thing you've overlooked.

Beastmaster: Oh?

Max: You see, you can't leave us alone in this room.

Beastmaster: And why not?

Max: Because, as soon as you're gone, by the use of sheer brute strength, I shall be able to rip these chains from the wall in one minute! Would you believe it? One minute!

Beastmaster: I find that hard to believe.

Max: Would you believe two minutes?

Beastmaster: I don't think so.

Max: How about a week from Tuesday?

It hardly qualifies as a spoiler to reveal that Fang saves the day and the KAOS goons are, literally, hoisted on their own petard. As a reward, Fang is reinstated as an active field agent and everybody lives happily ever after. Except for the people killed by their own dogs and the KAOS agents blown up by their own bomb.

Get Smart: I’m Only Human is available from Netflix (Season One, Disc Three) and Amazon.