New online matchmaking site RewardingLove.com (part three): communication and the Gordon Formula

September 18, 8:31 PMOnline Dating ExaminerE. Foley

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RewardingLove is the newest matchmaking site on the web.  In part one of this series, I gave you the quick facts.  In part two, we met the doctors and learned about their site's questionnaire and matching system.  In this final installment, we learn how the site promotes communication between matches and the Gordon Formula of a successful relationship.

COMMUNICATION

e: Do you offer guidance regarding a member's communication with their matches?

Bob: Step 1 - Start with a polite email. Use your charm and respectfulness to reflect a style of class and manners. This is your opportunity to introduce yourself and make a positive first impression. Discuss first what you have in common as revealed on your Compatibility Graphs. Look at the practicality and plausibility of the relationship. If you are not yet ready to send an email, you can send a flirt note or a smile instead. This shows you are open to communicating, and your match might be happy to lead the way.

Step 2 - Ask, “How did your past relationships turn out? Why? What have you learned from them?” (This isn't a job interview. You are not questioning a witness. Be curious and respectful. Hint: look for openness verses defensiveness. Look for awareness and learning from normal kinds of mistakes. If you hear a lot of devaluations and stereotyping, look out. Look for a good history of healthy relationships.)

Step 3 - Only if the first two steps have led to satisfying conversations, go on to step 3. Go back to the survey results and see how you are different. Gently explore your differences and see how they might be handled. Nature programs us to fall in love. But remaining in a mutually loving relationship requires the most mature side of our personality. Maturity includes being tolerant of reasonable differences without defensiveness or rigidity. When differences are not handled well, the relationship weakens. Opposites may only attract, but they have a hard time making it work. You want the right combination of both chemistry and a good friendship.

If you are satisfied with steps 1, 2 and 3, then find more safe ways to interact and learn more. You want to find fun ways to both get pertinent information about a future partner as quickly as possible, and yet to be open to some degree of risk and exploration. Compatibility graphs allow you and your matches to deeply review your compatibility without canned questions.

When you feel you know the person enough then apply my relationship equation. The mutual degree of (attraction + friendship + commitment) must be far greater than (egocentricity + hostility + defensiveness) for a healthy intimacy. I call that Gordon's Formula.

e: How do you plug in things to the formula?

Alla: We do this by the items from the survey, but also we ask individuals to think about it psychologically.

e: So members are going to be asked to do a little more than just assume a match is a match? Dig a little deeper?

Alla: All such surveys at best only tell us about 30% of what is going on; it does help filter out a large number of people. The next step is largely unconscious factors, such as chemistry that no one can predict. We are here to guide people by offering advice through those stages.

e: How would they access that advice?

Alla: My husband and I will have advice blogs as well as voice files/audio clips and helpful text.

e: Will members be able to send in questions?

Bob: Yes, to Alla or me. Some might want a woman's point of view, other might want a man's point of view. or some want to know how a couple of psychologists work out their problems

e: Speaking of a psychologist couple... how does your individual training help strengthen your relationship? How does being a happily married psychologist couple help you advise singles and bring them together?

Alla: My husband is a PhD psychologist and psychoanalyst with a background in research and social psychology. I just got my PsyD in psychology; I will be going on for another 5 years for my psychoanalytic training, that helps me understand people not only on conscious level but also on unconscious level.

As far as our relationship, we are not defensive, so we know ourselves and do not lie about our personal issues and how they affect our relationship; this help us resolve our issues quicker and more completely.

e: How does that help in the beginning stages though, when people are still in that honeymoon period of getting to know someone?

Alla: Most people are not so self-aware and they fall into infatuation, they ignore all the red flags until later in a relationship, when the problems are evident. We hope to advise people on what to look for before starting a relationship. For example, egocentricity, hostility and defensiveness. These are what we call the relationship killers, most other problems are tolerable.

e: As far as the filtering goes... let's say that someone is great as far as personality and test results go, but you’re not interested in them based on their physical appearance... Does a lack of interest or ignoring a match affect the chances of receiving a good matching person in the future? (Or is there a way of saying "I'm not physically attracted to this person?")

Bob: We use ‘connection requests’ to initiate contact between matches. There is no obligation to accept the connection request if you are not interested in communicating with a particular match for any reason. No, it won't affect your match quality in the future. The compatibility score and attraction are two separate things. The system doesn't tell matches WHY their connection request was not accepted. Our system helps members use their time efficiently by communicating with matches when the interest is mutual.

PAY FOR MATCHES, NOT FOR TIME

At this point, members will only be able to see the profiles of people they have been matched with by the system. Each profile is thoroughly reviewed and must be approved by the RewardingLove Quality Assurance team before entering the site’s matching system. An optional search engine will be added to the site eventually, but it is not part of the features at launch. Once implemented, if members want to use the search engine, they will have to tag their own profile as searchable. This will allow members to remain privately matched should they choose.

Subscriptions are not based on time, they are based on results. Instead of monthly fees, subscribers are entitled to a package of matches for one price. Promotional subscription packages start as low as $10 for 100 matches. Subscriptions last until you have received the total number of matches you have purchased, based on your specifications and our system, plus 10 additional free days to use for more communication time with your matches within the site's secure environment.

To encourage review of matches, members can earn additional free matches by reviewing their matches in a timely manner.

TAKE A LOOK!

If you're single, take a look at RewardingLove. It's definitely a new way to think about online dating, and since it's free for the charter members, you don't have anything to lose. Sign up for your account today and you'll be guaranteed 100 matches before you have to pay a penny. Come back in a few months and tell me how it's working for you!