Taking the treat out of trick or treat

Halloween 2006 didn't go so well out in the Castro. The city's annual "Go ahead, frat boy, act like a total ass" night attracted its usual overflow crowds of inebriates with training wheels, but things got ugly. When all the rum and Cokes had been regurgitated, nine revelers had been shot and the cops had made scores of arrests for fighting, public drunkenness and all the other stupid crap that happens when children drink.

When, by way of punishment, the city banned any large Halloween celebration in 2007, everybody sat around sulking and got very annoyed. So this year, the city, being an indulgent parent at heart, says it will turn the wolves loose again. Only it won't be limited to the Castro. In an effort to prevent a repeat of 2006, city officials are considering a plan to dilute the crowds by designating several areas around town as official Halloween partying sites.

One of the sites under consideration is our own beloved Broadway Corridor. You know, the place where unicorns romp in Elysian fields and girls with corn-colored hair play their harps barefoot while strewing daisies at the corner of Broadway and Montgomery. Wait. Sorry. That's Washington Square. Broadway is a tad more sinister. That's where fat, creepy goons in ugly suits and pinky rings loiter in front of the titty bars and dance joints, and every now and then some loser gets knifed in the street.

Perfect.

Let's see. Nine people got themselves shot in the Castro a couple of years ago. I'm betting we can do better than that on Broadway this Halloween, if for no other reason than a lot more people will be packing heat down there. I'll bet Ladbrokes will give me decent odds on our tally reaching double figures. There must be some scoring rules, though. I mean, flesh wounds probably won't count, or if they do they'll probably only be worth half a point. To score a full point will surely require a clean body hit, or something solid in an extremity.

The cops at Central Station must, like, totally love this idea. Halloween falls on a Friday this year, which happens to coincide with that other monthly lemming festival, Critical Mass. And Friday night on Broadway, even in the dead of winter, is a mosh pit of sleaze and incredibly bad behavior. Let's reinforce the dysfunctionality by granting it official sanction and dumping a bunch more people on the street, most of whom will be wearing masks, making it hard to get a positve ID.

Woo hoo. Par-TAY!