Robin's Immutable Laws of Gardening

May 20, 4:47 PMGardening ExaminerRobin Ripley

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There are certain things about gardening that do not change, regardless of whether you’re tending a tropical paradise or using an ice pick to pry your vegetables from the ground. You know some of these. For example, you know that some plants will die, weeds happen and critters will try to eat your produce.

But there are some other inevitabilities in the garden that you may be less familiar with unless you’re in the trenches like me.

Let me introduce you to Robin's Immutable Laws of Gardening.

Cats Think Newly Hoed Garden Beds Are Litter Boxes. You may not have a cat. Your neighbors may not have a cat. You may never, ever, see a cat around your house. But if you spend a Saturday morning improving a plot of earth by the sweat of your brow, the earth somehow puts out a homing beacon that can only be heard by felines. And they come a calling with little presents.

Despite What Fitness Experts Say You Cannot Lose Weight by Gardening. Depending on what source you consult, the experts say you can burn a significant number of calories by doing lawn and garden work. My sources tell me I can burn 170 calories just riding around on the old John Deere mowing the lawn for an hour. In that time I can also burn 292 calories raking leaves. Or 306 calories weeding.

Forget what the experts say. I'm here to tell you that your body in no way recognizes your gardening efforts as work and, therefore, does not allow fat to melt off your body.

How do I know this as a fact? Well, think about this. I figure if I work about 10 hours in the summertime on any given weekend at an average of 300 calories, that would be 3,000 calories burned. Over the course of the summer, taking off a couple of weekends for vacations and slothfulness, that would amount to about 40,000 calories, which divided by the 3,600 calories to make a pound equals more than 11 lbs.

I can unequivocally state that I DO NOT LOSE 11 pounds over the course of a summer. Ergo, my law is true.

There is only a One-Third Chance that Garden and Landscape Contractors will Show up. Part II of this law states: There is only a one-third chance that those who DO show up will actually show up when they promise they will. There is an equation for this and it looks like this:

1 x .333... x .333 = .111...

That means that there is only about an 11% chance that you'll get done what you had planned to get done this weekend.

The Tool That You Absolutely Need Right Now Is Always In The Garage. Trust me on this. It is. That’s really why you have to put paths in the garden—so you don’t wear out the grass going to and from the garage to collect what you need.

You Will Ruin Your Manicure. It doesn't matter what hyper-expensive brand of gloves you use, you will always look like a calloused farmhand if you even put a modicum of effort behind your gardening.

The Japanese Beetle Invasion Forces Invade On Or Around June 1, Depending On When You Are On Vacation. Do not, I repeat, do not fall for the myth that those unsightly little collection bags do any good. (This is a topic for another day.)

Just As the Lawn is Looking Truly Fine, the UPS Guy (or Fed Ex Guy) Backs Over It and Does a Wheelie. And do you REALLY want to make the guy who brings all your cool Internet shopping spree merchandise angry by yelling at him?

And finally…

You Will Never...Ever...Be Finished. As you can see, gardening is not for the faint of heart.