Negotiating your first threeway—are you the middle man or the guest star?

July 3, 6:40 PMBisexuality ExaminerMike Szymanski

Previous Next

1 comment Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Bisexuality Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

(Excerpted from our Lambda Award-winning book The Bisexual's Guide to the Universe: Quips, Tips & Lists for those who go Both Ways, co-written by Nicole Kristal)

When most people hear the word "threesome," they immediately think, “Oh, isn’t that the way bisexuals have sex?” And they’re right. It’s the only way for bisexuals to have completely satisfying sex, given that we must be with a man and a woman at the same time in order to receive any sexual satisfaction whatsoever. In fact, we are only capable of jumping into bed with two other people at a time. That one-on-one, making-love thing just never happens. NOT TRUE!

Threesomes differ from group sex in two ways: they involve only three people (duh!), and the participants usually already know one another. Most threesomes start with a couple that invites a third person, “the guest star,” into their relationship for a night of fun.

Some folks prefer to be “the guest star” because there’s no commitment involved, no jealousy to be experienced or relationship to be screwed up, and as the newcomer they often garner the majority of the attention. True, they don’t have the home-bed advantage, but, hey, if the couple starts fighting, they’re out of there.

Tips for the Guest Star

* If a couple tells you that you’re the “secondary” partner to their relationship, believe them. Respect that you will never become a third “primary” partner, and by all means do not go into the relationship hoping to become one. Don’t expect to be treated as an equal.

* Be secure in yourself and keep dating other people. Don’t let the couple become the focus of your life unless you are the focus of theirs.

* If you don’t feel like both partners are equally into you, let it go. Don’t raise hell and try to fight your way into the relationship.

* Accept your position. If for any reason you feel uncomfortable with the situation, get out of it.

* Don’t be more high maintenance in your friendship with the couple than they are with each other, or you’ll get the boot.

* Don’t have the threesome/orgy/relationship at your house.

* It’s easier to walk away if things get uncomfortable.

Some people prefer to be the couple because they don’t have  to worry about getting attached or feeling used or ignored after the fun is over. They get to spice up their love life from a position of security. If things go wrong, hey, it was just one night (or a few weeks), and they can give the guest star the boot.

Threesomes don’t always involve couples and a guest star. Sometimes bi singles seek out a three-way. Though we strongly recommend bi singles prioritize seeking out threesomes with friends over strangers, sometimes a fantasy encounter with two hot strangers sounds enticing.

My co-writer in "The Bisexual's Guide to the Universe," Nicole Kristal, writes her strategies from a bi gal's perspective:

Here are three strategies for single bi gals, (besides begging their friends) to find two hot strangers for a threesome:

 1. Have a guy find a girl for you. Most girls don’t consider 

this tactic, but some women we know have found it quite effective. Simply go to a club with an attractive fellow and send him on a mission to find you a cute girl. The guy will jump at the chance because what hot-blooded male wouldn’t want to have a threesome? (Little does he know, he might be going home alone!) This strategy alleviates the awkwardness of approaching the woman yourself or facing rejection. Instead, your guy friend can simply approach other women, ask them whether they’re into girls, and then point you out to them. If one girl finds you attractive and you find her attractive as well, then you’re set.

 2. Find a hot couple and hit on both of them. A lot of bi women find this strategy advantageous because not only do you flatter a sexually adventuresome couple, but once you hit the sheets you also get the bulk of the attention.

If you like being the center of attention, this strategy might work best for you. Then again, it can backfire sometimes. One twenty-something friend of ours notes,

“I had a threesome one time where the guy was, he was kind of dating the girl. I think he was more into her than he was into me, and I was really into her, too, and she was more into him. It was more like they were having this straight thing and I just happened to be there. That sucked. I didn’t like that at all. After we all had our sex and everything, they were just like together, and I was like, ‘F--- this, I’m leaving!’”

 3. Be approached for a threesome. This option is highly unlikely, though it has happened to some gals we know. Sometimes a couple will spot you in a club or ask you as a friend to have a threesome with them. Other times, a man will ask you to have sex with his girlfriend, and he’ll not be involved sexually at all.

Guys can use the same three strategies, but they must use more caution.

Option one works if they can find a female friend willing to find them another guy at a gay club or somewhere not straight. But this can prove more challenging for guys because of the straight-girl gross-out factor, so try to find a girl who fantasizes about being with two guys at once.

The only problem she might have will occur when she realizes her fantasy didn’t necessarily involve the two guys diddling each other.

(Find a really open-minded gal.)

Number two will be more difficult because finding a straight couple at a gay club where the guy is bi instead of the girl is nearly impossible.

If you go and hit on them, you could find yourself in a very awkward moment. Hey, if it’s any consolation, option three works for almost everyone. 

Click here to find out more about our book, "The Bisexual's Guide to the Universe."