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All the words not fit to print

The San Francisco Chronicle recently ran a column about annoying writing habits of journalists, including using the word “literally” to mean figuratively, as in the phrase, “literally climbing the walls.” The Word Geek has seen people literally climb walls but she has great trouble doing it, being old, rickety, and arthritic herself, so she never claims to be literally climbing walls. She doesn’t bother saying she’s figuratively climbing the wall either, though. That goes without saying, obviously.

A reader responded in today’s Letters to the Editor to say that people shouldn’t say things like “obviously,” either, since it’s obvious and therefore insulting. Terribly sorry, dear readers! The Word Geek didn’t mean to be rude. She wasn’t thinking. Not thinking is actually what causes most of the so-called errors that other writers complained about in this unusually large section, which include such offensive words as “actually” (oh, sorry again!)," frankly," "basically," "truthfully," uh, um, and taking a moment of silence to gather one’s thoughts. One ought to have gathered one’s thoughts preemptively before one started talking (or writing) in the first place! So shame on us, preemptively again, since nobody is going to take all this good advice, the Word Geek is quite sure, you know. Oh yes, "you know" is evil to the core, too, naturally. So is "naturally." (Sorry and sorry again!)

Even worse, though, is saying that something “drives me crazy” because that’s not literally true, so it drives me nuts. No, no, it just gets under my skin. No, I mean it makes me squirrelly. No, I mean it runs me buggy. No, I mean it snaps my twig. No, I mean, it rubs me the wrong way. No, I mean it derails my mental train. No, it just irritates somebody out there to hear colorful metaphors and similes like these. So, one must use plain, unadorned language at all times and be very dull and boring, or risk offending someone very sensitive.

Apparently one must also never engage in cautious optimism -- ruled out by another writer who deplores this phrase, one which the Word Geek doesn’t ever hear. In fact, one shouldn’t even spell out such a mood in explicit prose and say that one is hoping for the best but has no idea what is really going to happen either. The Word Geek can only guess that this particular San Francisco-dwelling audience wishes to engage in unadulterated gloom and prefers to hear that the sky will fall imminently. Chicken Little should be sent for post haste.

Yet another extremely agitated reader calls for an end to the West Coast plural of the pronoun “you,” which is “you guys.” This writer goes so far as to scream about it in print: aarrgghh. Whoa! Double letters mean business! The Word Geek assumes that this writer hails from Texas and prefers "y’all." Very well, I reckon y’all are fixin’ to use "y’all" and settle this writer’s nerves, ain't y'ns? Fine by me! The fact of the matter is, one shouldn’t use ghastly and horrible phrase like “the fact of the matter” either. So cut it out! Shorten that to “the fact is” and save your fingers some work. You’ll probably live longer. Someone’s eyes (or ears, if you’re speaking) will work less, in addition.

Besides all these horrendous errors of usage, there is that dratted phrase, “I mean.” One should never restate one’s meaning, even if it’s clear that one’s first attempt wasn’t clear! One’s audience should get it on the first go-round or not at all! If the audience failed to understand that first time, even if one mumbled or had food in one’s mouth, or stated it badly, well, tough darts!

But the worst of all is the abuse of poor, inoffensive “schizophrenic.” There is a real meaning to this word which applies to a particular illness with primarily psychological symptoms, brought on by DNA copying errors, it seems. Scientists are beginning to puzzle these out nowadays but they are somewhat beyond the Word Geek’s comprehension. A cure is not yet available, although treatments exist. However, the English-speaking world at large applies this word as if it meant anything with a dual nature. So people speak of schizophrenic weather, because it’s hot one part of the day and cold the next (as in Texas, where we say, “If you don’t like the weather, just wait a minute”), or the geography, where it’s hilly in one location and flat in another. It’s a metaphorical way of saying that something is extremely varied. 

There are probably better mental disorder models for this sort of metaphor (bipolar disorder springs to mind) but one can’t really argue with metaphors that are part of the language. It really makes no difference whether they drive one crazy, or get under one’s skin, or even if they only irritate one a little bit. One can write newspaper columns or blog online or Tweet about such things, or even complain vociferously in restaurants at the top of one’s lungs. It won’t do a bit of good. The Word Geek is dreadfully sorry about this, but that’s the nature of language. Language isn’t up to any one individual or even a particular committee somewhere. It’s created and recreated constantly by everyone who uses it, for better or worse. Some people use it skillfully, like brain surgeons. Some wield it clumsily, like Hercules with his nasty, old club. 

But if the readers of this little, inoffensive column would like to comment and leave their own pet peeves, large or small, or even scream in print, the Word Geek would love to entertain suggestions for improving her own language.  She is attempting to follow the new and improved style guide and never fall into the first or second person (I, me; you) but she fails now and then, as the reader may have noticed.  Other failures occur as well periodically, such as detours into deplorable dialects.  Do be sure to let the Word Geek know how English "had ought to be spoke," as granny used to say.