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Abba had it right...take a chance
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Dear Lauren: I have started to have romantic feelings for a good friend. The closer we get and the more time we spend together the more the feelings grow. He's just a fantastic man; we have a lot in common and always have a great time together. Sometimes, I get the instinct that he might feel the same way. A mutual friend that is aware of my feelings also gets that instinct when he is around. Other friends sometimes give me strange looks when we're together, as if they know something I don't. On the other hand, he also has many female friends, so I don't know if he sees me any differently than as a friend. The first problem is we both have been really hurt in past relationships and scared to get involved again. The second is, do I take the chance and share these feelings and possibly make things really awkward, or even worse, ruin the friendship? I'm torn because I can't imagine not having him in my life as a friend. So, tell him or keep my feelings to myself and hope they go away with time? Any advice to get this weight lifted off me is appreciated. -Suzy
Dear Suzy:
I’m going to jump right into answering your question, and advise you to reveal your feelings to your friend.
Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that the most successful romantic / intimate relationships / marriages are the ones that consist of two people who are not only lovers, but friends, as well.
Why? Because you have a background. A history. Your relationship runs deeper than just physical attraction. The two of you have something that a lot of existing and potential couples don’t…common interests. Because you’re already friends and know each other well, you’ve probably spent a lot of time together. You guys are obviously already capable of enjoying each other’s company doing things that have nothing to do with romance. That’s important. So many relationships are based on physical attraction and sex that there is no depth to them. When there’s no depth—when couples can’t enjoy time together simply talking and laughing, watching a movie, sporting event, going to a concert, playing a game of cards, etc.,—that’s when their relationship gets boring…when they lose interest in each other.
Being friends with someone first is the perfect way to begin a relationship. I understand that you’re nervous…that you don’t want to risk losing this man as a friend in case he isn’t interested in you romantically. But what if he feels the same way you do? What if he’s just as nervous about destroying your friendship by expressing his feelings? If you both keep your feelings to yourselves, you could be missing out on a potentially wonderful relationship. I believe it’s a risk worth taking…especially since you have a mutual friend who thinks the guy might have feelings for you, too.
I’m not going to lie, it could turn out that his feelings don’t run as deeply as yours. In that case, if you’re as good of friends as you say you are, your relationship probably won’t change. If it does—if he starts acting strange, ignoring, or avoiding you—then he’s probably not as good of a friend as you think.
Remember that no relationship is perfect. If the two of you do become a couple and get married, your friendship will be the glue that holds things together when things get rough. Sex is only a band-aid during the tough times…a temporary fix. If sex is all a couple has in common, they’re likely to drift apart. But having your best friend by your side to draw strength and support from will not only get you through those times, but insure that no matter what, you will never be alone.
Talk to him.
Lauren Sharman
romantic suspense author
2006 P&E Reader’s Poll BEST AUTHOR
www.LaurenSharman.com
Looking for tell-it-like-it-is relationship advice? Email your questions to: AskLaurenAdvice@gmail.com
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For more info: Sex can't fix everything
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