Denver Female Logic Examiner - Female Beautification Rituals Gone Awry - Part 2

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Female Beautification Rituals Gone Awry - Part 2

POSTED May 15, 3:13 PM

Earlier this week (National Women’s Health Week), I discussed the pitfalls of self-waxing. After I went through that episode, which included a trip to St. Joseph’s emergency room and poison control, you think I would have learned my lesson … oh, no. Not me. I have to be stubborn and do things the hard way.

As such, ladies, in the interest of continuing education, I feel compelled to issue (and re-issue) the following warning: Never mix Nair and Coochie Cream.

Yes. Nair and Coochie Cream. Just exactly what is Coochie Cream? Allow me to explain.

After my wax emergency, my daughter felt compelled to give me Coochie Cream. She explained that Coochie Cream was the product strippers used so they wouldn’t get unsightly shaving burn and bumps. It’s purchased as stores such as Fascinations. I didn’t want to know how she knew this, but I was willing to give it a go.

I diligently read the label this time: Coochie Cream is both a lotion and hair conditioner. Umm…interesting, I suppose you can rub the lotion on after shaving as a moisturizer and also use it to get rid of split ends. It’s ingenious! Strippers sure know their stuff.

I preceded to Nair my legs and burn the heck out of my skin in the process, but not to worry, I had Coochie Cream. After drying off, I rubbed in the Coochie Cream and went on my merry way. About ten minutes later, my legs began to burn really bad. And, when the burning didn’t subside, I called and left my daughter a message. In my calm, professional voice, I said, “Brittany, this is your mother. Please call me back. I have a Coochie Cream question.”

Yes, it’s the message every daughter wants. When she almost stopped laughing, she called me back. I told her what I did and she simple sighed, snorted with humor and said, “Mom, step away from the hair removal products. Coochie Cream is shaving cream, not after-shave lotion.”

“But, the bottle says it’s a lotion and a hair conditioner.”

“Shaving lotion … and, mom …they aren’t talking about the hair on your head.”

Oh, hell! I’m not naive, but please!

I told her that I’d call her in a few and back into the shower I went to rinse everything off while muttering curses about the need for clear product labeling. By now, my legs were in need of skin replacement.

It was not a coincidence that Dear Abby wrote about the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s Office of Women’s Health efforts in getting us to read and follow labels correctly. I’m sure Dear Abby has had many letters from women who didn’t know what Coochie Cream was (work with me, I like to live in denial sometimes). But, if learning from my antics isn't enough, then take the fine folks from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration's Office of Women's Health up on their offer of a free Health and Beauty Kit that includes tools for making informed choices about the cosmetics and other products women use every day.

After all my hair removal fiascos, I became motivated to order my free kit. I’ve also decided to go back to basic shaving cream and a razor. The hell with soft, smooth legs free of five o’clock shadow for two weeks - if I ever have sex again, the man will just have to deal.

Categories: women , humor , mothers , female humor , health products , women's health , health , Beauty

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Sarah Paige
Sarah writes humor from the perspective of a single woman over forty who isn't afraid to laugh out loud and poke fun at her own gender, as well as the silly differences between men and women. No subject is taboo!