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Sarah Paige
Denver Female Logic ExaminerSarah writes humor from the perspective
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a single woman over forty who isn't afraid to laugh
out loud and poke fun at her own gender, as well as
the silly differences between men and women. No
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Female Beautification Process Gone Awry
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by Sarah Paige, Denver Female Logic Examiner
This is National Women’s Health Week (May 11-17)! Yes, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s Office of Women’s Health would like women to get the most out of their health and beauty products by encouraging them to take the time to read the directions and follow them properly.
If I’d only known…
You’re all aware that with everything us females do for beautification, something is bound to go wrong. The inevitable must be discussed, and of course, I have no fear sharing the ridiculous antics of my gender. I’ll save the bad hair cuts, perms gone wrong, bleach in a bottle, and hives outbreaks for another day. For today, ladies, I feel the need to write about hair removal and what we won’t do for soft, smooth skin. I hear you all snickering.
We’ve all been there. Most know about and have experienced Nair incidents. Then there’s the dreaded wax (both home remedies and removal by sadistic salon technicians), those stones that claim to remove hair by simply rubbing the skin and watching hair magically disappear, and a plethora of other hair removal products that are just plain wacky. But, we try them nonetheless.
Not only have I been there, done that, but you’ll be happy to know that Poison Control now has a solution for removing wax from skin thanks to my brilliant behavior.
One fine morning, my friend and I decided we were going to try that new fangled orange wax hair removal. Yes, the advertisement boasted an easy and pain free hair removal method, and we fell for it hook, line and sinker. Here’s how it went:
Instructions? We don’t need no stinking instructions! Doing a test patch and waiting 24-hours to see if we have a skin reaction? Who has that kind of time? (Women and following beauty product labels to a tee are like men stopping to ask for directions.) Are you seeing the writing on the wall? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
I went first (brilliant, uh?). We slathered the wax on my thigh and firmly pressed on the cloth strips. I braced myself in anticipation, and my friend ripped as fast as she could.
I saw the light!
When I came back to the earthly world and realized the manufacturers of the wax were full of hogwash (pain free me a**), we looked at my thigh expecting to see a smooth, clean spot.
They’re liars … liars, I say! Not only was the hair still there, but so was the wax. That was enough for me; I gave up and started to wash it all off.
Here’s where Poison Control enters the picture: the wax wouldn’t come off. Wax, I might add, that has the consistency of hair gel and spreads to places I didn’t want to think of. We tried everything … I mean everything – bar soap, dish liquid, laundry soap, fingernail polish, gasoline, paint thinner … everything. We called the manufacturer on the bottle and Poison Control. No luck, so we gave up and headed to the Emergency Room. And, yes, insurance does cover stupidity.
After everyone in the ER stopped laughing, they went to work figuring out what would remove the wax. Even the janitor got in on it, and I thank the Heaven’s above because he’s the one who discovered that GoJo (the soap that removes oil from a mechanic’s hands) did the trick. The doctor came in and said, “Well, thanks to you, Poison Control now has a solution on file.” I was so happy to be of assistance.
After that episode, you think I would have learned, but no. I have to be stubborn and do things the hard way. As such, ladies, in the interest of continuing education, I feel compelled to issue this warning: Never mix Nair and Coochie Cream.
You read the correctly. Nair and Coochie Cream. Just exactly what is Coochie Cream? Later this week, I’ll fill you in on yet another idiotic hair removal event and enlighten you. But, in the meantime, I will shout from the roof tops in support of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s Office of Women’s Health efforts in getting us to read and follow labels correctly. They are offering a free Health and Beauty Kit that includes tools for making informed choices about the cosmetics and other products women use every day.
Order yours today! Please ... the emergency doctors have seen enough.
Topics: women , mothers , female humor , parenting , health products , women's health , health , Beauty
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