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Sarah Paige
Denver Female Logic ExaminerSarah writes humor from the perspective
of
a single woman over forty who isn't afraid to laugh
out loud and poke fun at her own gender, as well as
the silly differences between men and women. No
subject is taboo!
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Showing entries for Category: humor
My Gender and the Bathroom Scale
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by Sarah Paige, Denver Female Logic Examiner
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Denver metro blotter June 4: Pack of stolen scales
Contributed by: YourHub.com on 6/4/2008
Suspects steal 50 scales
Three suspects broke into the Dollar Shop between 5 and 5:45 a.m. on May 21 and stole more than $3,000 in miscellaneous merchandise, including 50 scales, a box of cigarettes and bongs. The store owner said this is the second time in a month the store has been burglarized. The owner recognized one of the men in the surveillance tapes as a person who has been in the store on several occasions. The case is under investigation by Northglenn police.
Three suspects broke into the Dollar Shop between 5 and 5:45 a.m. on May 21 and stole more than $3,000 in miscellaneous merchandise, including 50 scales, a box of cigarettes and bongs. The store owner said this is the second time in a month the store has been burglarized. The owner recognized one of the men in the surveillance tapes as a person who has been in the store on several occasions. The case is under investigation by Northglenn police.
~~~
There’s a visual we all need … thieves, cigarettes, bongs and scales. The question that instantly popped into my mind was: what kind of scales? Were they the kind of scale designed to weigh the substance used in bongs or the kind of scale of the bathroom variety?
If they were bathroom scales, then “duh” of course the suspects are men. The police don’t need surveillance tapes to know that. Anyone who thinks females would steal a bathroom scale, let alone fifty of them, should be studied by the American Psychiatric Association for whatever disorder includes stupidity, denial and insanity.
That got me thinking … a dangerous endeavor I admit … about my gender and our relationship with the @#$#@ bathroom scale. Allow me to share.
Women have a unique routine for approaching the scale (no, we can’t simply walk up and step on it – get real). Here’s how the process goes:
Step One: Strip down to bare naked, pee, pace, pee again and get our courage up for what we’re about to endure.
Step Two: Sneak up on the scale. We don’t want it to know we’re coming because we don’t want to hear its condemnatory voice say, “You shouldn’t have eaten all those Oreo’s
Of course we assign human attributes to the scale. Didn’t you know it’s one of those judgmental skinny people who eats anything in sight, never gains a pound and then wonders why everyone isn’t like that?
Step Three: Put one toe (the little toe, not the big toe for obvious reasons) on the scale to trigger the spring mechanism making sure it goes back to the zero - and not a hair over.
Step Four: Repeat toe action several times until satisfied.
Step Five: Take a deep breath and hold. Gently step onto the scale in a manner similar to testing the thickness of pond ice in winter.
Step Six: Exhale. The air in our lungs actually weighs at least 8 pounds (that’s scientific fact).
Step Seven: Focus on the numbers. Become mesmerized much like when watching the Wheel of Fortune as Pat Sajak makes the final spin.
Step Eight: Pray.
Step Nine: Deny! Deny! Deny!
Step Ten: Curse, sputter, kick it, curse and declare we’ll never eat again!
Women and the bathroom scale. It’s a hate - hate relationship … mostly hate with a pinch of revulsion. We envision pummeling the bathroom scale with a sledgehammer, using it for target practice or throwing it off a cliff along with a plethora of other sadistic, cruel and creative punishments. But if we acted on our impulses, we may be viewed as crazy, so we do the next best thing: vow to overcome!
And that means utilizing the number one way to motivate ourselves and be triumphant: put the scale in the kitchen … next to the refrigerator.
Raise your hand if you think this will strengthen your bond with the scale.
What? No hands?
Uh, uh, that’s what I thought. We all know that putting the scale in the kitchen only develops our ability to ignore the damn thing right up until we stub our toe on it in the middle of night.
So, back to the bathroom it goes to collect dust until we’re either strong enough to confront it again or brave enough to chuck it off the nearest skyscraper.
Topics: women , humor , female humor , health products , women's health , health , men , men's humor , weight , bathroom
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