I Know Who Killed Me: Or, at least, who killed Lindsay Lohan’s career. (Spoiler alert) It was she.

March 5, 6:26 PMPortland Movie ExaminerIan Sawyer

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Lind Lo: Double sexy!

After witnessing two inspired Hollywood comebacks last year (Mickey Rourke and Robert Downey Jr.), insiders are already predicting who 2009’s rise-from-the-ashes actors will be. In my estimation, the greater the climb, the greater the comeback. That’s why my money is on Lindsay Lohan. 

2007 was a busy year—so busy that I missed the movie (I won’t be using the word film in this review) in which she fell from ‘grace.’ Lucky for me, I Know Who Killed Me, the 2007 slasher/thriller/stigmatic twin/stripper/mistaken identity vehicle was on cable last night—gloriously unedited. Well, I wasn’t about to miss this opportunity again. I even DVR’d it so as to maybe watch again some time down the road. Needless to say, after viewing, I promptly erased it.

Oh, where to start…

I guess I will boil the plot down for you (spoil your dinner alert!): Aubrey Fleming is a college-age fiction writer type who goes missing the night of a big football game. Red herrings are everywhere, or should I say blue herrings, as everything having to do with this initial part of the movie is blue. It’s not subtle. The football team wears blue, her boyfriend gives her blue roses, her piano teacher’s huge, obvious ring is blue, etc. After her disappearance, clichéd detectives lay out some more of the plot, letting the audience know that there’s a serial killer that amputates various appendages of his young female victims. Aubrey is eventually found on the side of the road missing her lower right arm and lower right leg. Wait a minute, she’s wearing red!! And she claims that she’s not Aubrey, but Dakota Moss, a pole dancer who smokes, has sex, and swears a lot. The Fleming parents (Neal McDonough of "Desperate Housewives," and Julia Ormond!!) refuse to believe that Aubrey isn’t Aubrey, and neither does Aubrey’s worthless boyfriend (names don’t matter). Dakota proves to boyfriend that she’s not Aubrey by having sex with him within minutes of their meeting. Remember, she’s missing two limbs. 

Director Chris Siverston, an F minus student of the David Fincher-school of gritty thrillers, seems to want us to be utterly baffled by what should be a simple plot. Fragmented flashbacks only make sense because of the color of the clothing people are wearing. Weird non-sequiturs like, “People get cut. That’s life,” are laughable and dumb-founding. The best (read: worst) line in the movie is when Julia Ormond (why are you in this movie!?) is explaining that Aubrey was her little “kicker girl” in the womb and that she should “kick yourself to the other side of this problem.” Remember, she’s missing a leg. 

Anyway, annoying allusions to the possibility that Aubrey and Dakota are long lost twins separated at birth (The Parent Trap 2: Dude Where’s My Leg?) finally steer us to the slow, merciful climax of the movie. Stigmatic twins. That’s all you need to know. I won’t give away the ending, but let me say, this is the worst killer in movie history—clumsy and forgettable. 

Now that the plot summary is out of the way, I have some questions and comments:

1. Did they really think the blue/red thing would work? Not since junior high English class have I witnessed such a hackneyed plot device. 

2. Again, why is Julia Ormond in this film? I actually feel bad for her. The scene where she’s trying to give Aubrey (Dakota?) her old teddy bear made me curl up in a ball on my couch. Thank God I wasn’t in a movie theater. 

3. Lindsay Lohan is the worst pole dancer I ever seen. She’s obviously not a method actress. 

4. Crab Man from "My Name is Earl" plays a prosthetics tech. Enough said.

5. What’s up with the hairless cat? Never look at a hairless cat that hasn’t been neutered. Ever.

6. Apparently Lindsay Lohan will play a foulmouthed stripper and do a sex scene. But she won’t do topless. Who is she kidding? Look for some sweet side-boob, though. 

I Know Who Killed Me won a record 8 RAZZIE® Awards in 2007 for Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, Worst Director, Worst Actress, Worst Screen Couple (for her and herself), and most laughably, the first ever double Worst Actress nod. I would say that if she ever does make a movie again, she’ll be starting from the bottom. She could play Octomom in a made for TV movie and it would be a comeback. Good luck, Lind Lo, good luck.