Sean Penn: Poster child for the undifferentiated

February 23, 1:30 PMHealth Care ExaminerDoctor Lissa

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Sean Penn with Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz

Congratulations to Sean Penn.  He won Best Actor last night at the Academy Awards and was gracious in his acceptance speech,even going so far as to mention that he made it hard to like him.  That's putting it mildly.  His past  is textbook case study material for undifferentiated behavior.  Or how about John McEnroe?  He makes a living going from calm to furious in less than a nanosecond.  And then there's Rosie O'Donnell.  What is it about these people that makes them so volatile?  Well, they are all undifferentiated; unable to calm themselves in the face of anxiety or tension.

We can't all make a living like Sean Penn and John McEnroe with our mercurial dispositions, so let's take a look at what's involved in learning a new way of reacting in times of stress.

First some general points about differentiation:

• Your level of differentiation is usually set by the time you are an adolescent.  If you have trouble managing anxiety, you can change but it takes work. 
• People are attracted to others at the same level of differentiation.  Ever notice that?  It's not an accident.  That's because people who are differentiated usually find it uncomfortable to be in intimate relationships with people who cannot calm themselves and who are emotionally dependent.  People who are undifferentiated: anxious, controlling, and reactive are more comfortable with other people who respond the same way.
• Conflict in marriages and relationships offen occurs when one partner or member of the group begins to change the pattern and exhibit new behaviors.  This may seem uncomfortable at first, but actually presents a good opportunity  to grow and create a happier more balanced relationship.
• Parents who are undifferentiated have children who are also undifferentiated.  Family always functions in a way that can create anxiety. Children are frequently controlled and overly sensitive to their parent's needs.  It's hard for them to separate and create individual lives because their identity is so closely alligned with the family. The kids must over-monitor the environment for their own safety and security.

Althought it is difficult work, we can learn to handle more anxiety.  The greatest challenge in learning to be less emotionally reactive is learning to recognize when you are anxious.  We're usually aware of high levels of anxiety, but it's crucial to recognize low levels of anxiety if we are to make progress in being less emotionally reactive. When we only recognize high levels of anxiety,  we become angry instantly or have a "short fuse". 

We  might not get awards by learning to calm ourselves but our quality of life will go up dramatically when we learn to reduce our own anxiety and reponses to it.

Next time, the best place to learn how to reduce your reaction to anxiety!  If you're like Sean Penn or John McEnroe, you can make a living acting badly, but for the rest of us, a better life awaits!