Being undifferentiated means having to say you're sorry

February 22, 6:52 PMHealth Care ExaminerDoctor Lissa

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As a university Assistant Professor, I know it's coming.  I don't know who it will be, but each semester, some unfortunate soul will let the stress get to them, snap and blurt  something stupid in class.  As in, "Why are you qualified to teach me anything!" or "I deserve an A, I started reading the chapters last week!" Cue awkward silence.  The rest of the class is uncomfortable, but since I know it's going to happen, I try to remain calm and help them save face, if that's possible. 

What's going on here?  Well, in the case of my students, they have usually had their first major test.  And for some, especially the under classmen, it didn't go well.  Hence the stress.  Because you see, they are all special.  They've been told this since infancy.  And I clearly don't appreciate just how special they are.  So, I must not know anything.

The other thing going on is that because of their stress, they are not able to process information in the moment clearly. In young children, we call this a temper tantrum.  In those older than 2, we say they are undifferentiated.

As the anxiety increases, they snap.  People who are undifferentiated don't have the ability to calm themselves.  So they have two modes, calm and furious.  It's hard to be around these people because you never know when they will go off.  Children of undifferentiated parents are always watchful, anxious and over solicitious of their parent's feelings-trying to keep them calm in spite of the parent's inability to reduce their own stress.  This is expecially prevalent in families where alcohol or drug abuse is common, but it happens in families where neither of these is present too.

The problem is that their stress rains down on everyone else.  Then once they've exploded, they feel better and soothe the feelings of the people around them who are now in tears or worse.  In the case of my students, it's my job to diffuse the situation and put an end to the tirade.  But I always invite them to my office to talk about what happened and how it cannot happen again.  Because I am responsible to protect the mental health of the class while they are there, just like we are all responsible for our behavior as it affects the mental health of the people we love when we are with them or communicate with them.  Even ithough being undifferentiated means having to say you're sorry, it isn't enough.

Next time we'll talk about ways to become differentiated as in how to calm yourself or work with someone you care about who needs to learn to do this.