Easy jobs in retail for the incredibly lazy

March 7, 11:38 PMLife in the Cubicle ExaminerDudley B. Dawson

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It doesn't get any easier than a corporate job, but
if you find the right store, retail can be as rewarding.

With all the layoffs going on and the news of people having to take lesser paying jobs, it's important that people remain focused on maintaining their laziness.  If you're in a desperate situation and have to apply for retail jobs, don't just assume you'll be working harder.  With a little work and a little help from me, you'll soon be doing nothing, just as you were at the office (like me).

Here are the top 5 retail jobs for the lazy:

5. Baker's Square, night shift - The average customer has been collecting social security checks for 10+ years.  There ain't no one coming in after 5pm.  More time to enjoy your own pie.

4. Blockbuster, weekday shift - I speak from experience on this one, there is nothing better than working at a video store during a weekday.  I was so lazy that I used to hope every car was going to the next door Subway instead of the video store even though I was doing nothing. God forbid they interrupt my 341st viewing of Dumb and Dumber.  The New Line Home Cinema intro still gives me chills.  You can't tell me you aren't expecting Lloyd Christmas in the next scene every time you hear or see that clip.

3. Brueger's Bagels night shift - I recently went to Brueger's on a weekday night.  During the 45 minutes in which we dined, one other customer entered the store.  If you're looking for a place to eat free food and do nothing, the Brueger's night shift is where it's at.  The one down side is that they play awful music.  I'm pretty sure I can only handle Bruce Hornsby's Walk in the Sun for a day or two.

2. Waterbed Sales , any shift - I'm not sure how waterbed places still exists due to the death of the waterbed 15 years ago.  I'd have to imagine business is pretty slow these days.  To top it off, if you get the keys you can come in after close and nail your significant other on the Geneva 8500 flagship waterbed.

1. Ralph Marlin, any shift - I recently visited the Mall of America where retail jobs for the lazy are a dime a dozen.  Whether it's Auntie Anne's pretzels (I'm fairly certain my sister-in-law is the only person that's ever purchased a pretzel there) or Sox Appeal, MOA has enough empty stores to employ 90% of Minnesota's laziest.  This isn't to say the Mall of America isn't busy.  The place is packed on the weekends, but some of these stores somehow manage to barely pull in a customer per hour.  Which brings me to Ralph Marlin.  I walked by on a Saturday afternoon at 2pm.  The mall was packed.  It was hard to find a parking spot and navigating a stroller through the main areas was a nightmare.  But as I walked by Ralph Marlin and focused all my attention on the store, you'd think the mall suffered a nuclear blast and the only man left standing was the clinically depressed silver haired 50 year old working at Ralph Marlin.  Until then, I didn't think it was possible for a facial expression to communicate "someone please pull the trigger".  If you can handle the depression, you'll only have to get off your chair around twice a night.

This list is not meant to be the definitive list of easy jobs.  There are many places you can work and be lazy.  However, I didn't feel like doing more research.  Good luck to you and your laziness..

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