Awkward office moments #2: Urinal gas incident

July 9, 4:41 PMLife in the Cubicle ExaminerDudley B. Dawson

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Can you guess who farted?

Every man working in an office has either been a vendor or customer of urinal gas.  You are either a guy that loves to squeeze them out while urinating, or you are the unfortunate victim.  Though both ends of the incident can be uncomfortable, it's far more awkward for the offender.

What is a urinal gas incident?

A urinal gas incident is a scenario that begins with only one person in the men's bathroom.  While urinating, most men will scope out the situation to find out if they can rip one.  For the most part, urinal farts are a private matter.  There are a few guys that will gladly tear a hole in their pants with an audience, but they are few and far between.  For the rest of us, the farts wait until there is confirmation of an empty room -- much like -- "Contender ready?  Gladiators ready?".  Then the gun fires.  The aroma from the "gun powder" is quite potent and another coworker walks into the bathroom just moments after releasing the gas.  There begins a urinal gas incident.

How do offenders deal with the awkwardness?

Urinal gas incidents are unique in that the offender experiences the majority of the awkwardness.  Offendors first begin thinking to themselves, "Can he smell it?  No, he probably can't smell it.  Oh man...that's pretty bad.  I'm pretty sure he can smell it.  Wow, that is some potent stuff."

They then try and glance over at the victim, without turning their head, to see if they are showing any ill-effects from the gas.  Upon witnessing any sign of the victim's discontent, the offender hangs his head low and tries to hide behind the urinal divider, pretending to urinate until the victim leaves the bathroom.  Alternatively, some offenders choose to wiggle off the last drops quickly, zip up, wash up and head out of the room promptly and swiftly to avoid further embarrassment.

How do you prevent urinal gas incidents?

There are only a few methods to prevent urinal gas incidents.  They include:

1. Rip'em in the back staircase.  Corporate staircases are no man's land from level 3 on up.  No one is willing to take 4 flights of stairs.

2. Whistle while you work, fart as you walk.  Colleagues will just think they are hearing things if you openly rip'em as you walk down the hallway.  If you walk quick enough, it spreads the aroma which weakens the potency.

3. Medication.  For some, options one and two are not valid.  Some guys have to fart when they urinate due to flow issues.  I recommend FloMax. 

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Awkward office moments will appear every Thursday in Dudley B. Dawson's Life in the Cubicle column.

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