Awkward office moments #1: The elevator conversation sandwich

July 2, 2:56 PMLife in the Cubicle ExaminerDudley B. Dawson

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The elevator conversation sandwich.

Working in an office presents a plethora of awkward moments.  Elevators are home to many of these uncomfortable moments.  Of all the dreadful scenarios in an elevator, the elevator conversation sandwich is possibly the most common.

What is an elevator conversation sandwich?

An elevator conversation sandwich is a scenario that begins with only one person in the elevator.  Before they reach their final destination, two people enter the elevator at mid-discussion.  Rather than allowing the person to shift to either side of the elevator, they unknowingly sandwich the victim.  The victim, or meat of the elevator conversation sandwich, is left standing between the two agrressors as they continue to converse.

How do victims deal with the awkwardness?

Victims of the elevator conversation sandwich deal with the problem in a few different ways including:

1. Pulling out their cell phone and pretending to use it.  Pretending to ignore people is a rather odd behavior, but it is done quite frequently. 

2. Attempting to maneuver out of the sandwich.  This ends in failure 95% of the time and the 5% success rate can be attributed to high capacity Otis elevators "reserved" for facility crews.  Attempting to remove yourself from the sandwich is a risky move with such a low success rate.  Upon failure, the scenario becomes even more awkward.

3. Hanging of the head.  This action is similar to how children believe that they disappear when they close their eyes.  People who hang their head in an elevator seem to believe they disappear when they stare at their shoes.

4. Rising of the head.  To try and mentally escape from the elevator conversation sandwich, some people take interest in very mundane things.  Like the floor meter above the elevator doors.  They watch the lights switch from floor to floor, eagarly anticipating their floor to light up next.  Reaching your floor is like the opening of heaven's gate.

5. Trying to join the conversation.  The worst coping mechanism you can use in an elevator conversation sandwich.  Just because you happen to be located between two people talking doesn't mean they want you to participate in their conversation.  The best case scenario is they act nice to you in person and then bad mouth you after exiting the elevator.

How do you prevent the elevator conversation sandwich?

Take the stairs, fatty.  If that isn't possible, don't ever stand in the middle of an elevator.  The sandwich closes quickly.

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Awkward office moments will appear every Thursday in Dudley B. Dawson's Life in the Cubicle column.

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