Unwritten rules of the office: Cell phones at the workplace

November 9, 9:20 AMLife in the Cubicle ExaminerDudley B. Dawson

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"Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it."
- Henry David Thoreau

Every workplace is filled with people that don't understand proper cell phone etiquette.  To help your moronic colleagues, here are 10 unwritten rules of cell phones at the workplace:

1. Do not leave your cell phone ringer on anything but vibrate when you're at work.
If you leave your desk, please take your cell phone with you. If you leave your cell phone at your desk and your phone starts ringing to a Celine Dion tune at high blast, there's no doubt that this will happen.

2. Do not bump into people in the hallway because you are checking your email on your blackberry.
Texting zombies happen to be featured on the People Who Deserve It Blog.

3. Do not read your email on your blackberry during a meeting.
You pride yourself on being a multitasker.  So much so, that you feel it necessary to check your emails during a meeting.  While you were multitasking, we decided to assign everything to you.  You didn't put up much of a fuss.

4. You must only ask me if I purchased a new cell phone once a year.
No, I do not buy cell phones every six months.  This is a similar answer that I had to give to this same person when they were in high school.  No, I did not go pimp my car with Rockford Fosgate equipment.

5. Don't tell me how great your iPhone is.
I don't care how great it is. You pay through your a** for that thing. That $150 per month that you spend on your iPhone plan is the same price I pay for Cable, phone and internet at home. The real internet -- not the slow one on your phone. Meanwhile, you can go and spend about $50 less per month for just about as good of a phone with the same plan (or $100/mo less for a normal cell phone that doesn't have the features you use twice per month).

6. Don't use your cell phone as a prop when you're sitting uncomfortably in an elevator.
You aren't fooling anyone. You just feel awkward sitting in the elevator. It's okay. I know you don't want to watch me eating my sandwich.

7. You don't need to check your cell phone when you take your 30-60 minute lunch.
Repeat this every morning: "I am not important. I am not important. I am not important." Eventually you'll start acting normal, and realize that colleagues do not require your attention 24 hours a day.

8. Cell phone holsters make you look like a moron.
There is no acceptable excuse for looking like this big of an idiot. Tight pockets or big phone, it doesn't matter -- you are a gigantic nerd.  Read here for more on cell phone holsters.

9. Do not ask me for my cell phone number.
If I wanted to share my cell phone number for work related matters, I would offer it to you. As you may have noticed, I have in fact NOT offered my cell phone number to anyone. This means I do not want you to call me when I'm not at work. If you would like to do so, please reimburse me for my cell phone, monthly payment, any hours on the telephone, and the anguish of knowing that at any moment, I may have to start working. Please be aware of the fact that the hourly rate for that anguish is unreasonably high.

10. Refrain from wearing bluetooth earpieces.
The only way to look more ridiculous than someone that wears a cell phone holster is to accompany that holster with a bluetooth earpiece. The best way to deal with a bluetoother is to get in their other ear and scream "TAKE THAT F***ING THING OUT OF YOUR EAR YOU STUPID F***!"

> SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE: SLIDESHOW OF PEOPLE WEARING CELL PHONE HOLSTERS AND BELT CLIPS

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'Unwritten rules of the office' is a new recurring article from Dudley B. Dawson which will appear several times per week through the end of the year.  You can read all of them by clicking here.

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