Unwritten rules of the office: Breakfast at the workplace

October 28, 3:50 PMLife in the Cubicle ExaminerDudley B. Dawson

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A cinnamon raisin bagel is just one unfortunate result of
coworkers who don't understand the unwritten rules of
the office.

The workplace is filled with unwritten rules which guide normal behavior at the workplace.  To celebrate these rules that govern the workplace, a new series of recurring articles titled Unwritten rules of the office will run through the end of the year.  To kick it off, I present to you the 20 unwritten rules of breakfast at the workplace:

1. There are only two acceptable forms of breakfast sharing foods at the office: Bagels or Donuts.
Don't try and mix things up with healthy alternatives like a fruit salad or vegetables. Stick to the protocol, or we stick it to you.

2. Do not "taste test" the donuts.
If you touch the donuts, you eat the donuts. If your mouth hits the donut, you REALLY need to eat the donut.

3. Do not put the donuts in your cubicle.
People appreciate the fact that you brought donuts in, but they don't want to talk to you. Don't use the donuts for your own pathetic excuse for social interaction. If you require donuts in your cubicle in order to suck people into your boring conversation, chances are nobody wants to talk to you.

4. Donuts should always be displayed in a pleasant manner.
Don't just bring in the box, throw it on the counter, and keep the box shut. Donuts are meant to be displayed, and displayed proudly. The nicer the spread, the happier we are.

5. There is a mandatory ceiling of 2 powdered donuts in every donut spread.
Your donut spread should never contain more than 2 donuts of the powder variety. They are very messy, and no one really likes them.

6. Do not take more than one donut from the donut spread.
Everyone knows that you take one at a time, and return later for more. Get with it.

7. Do not use utensils to eat your donut.
This means you do not cut a donut in half and leave the other half in the box for someone else. We're very proud of you for being health conscious, but donuts are only to be handles by your fingers. This also means you don't use a fork to eat your donut. Grow a pair.

8. Scones are not donuts.
Do not make this mistake or you will pay dearly.  A man would never bring scones to the office.  When a woman brings them in, inform her that they are more fattening than donuts, and then look down at her rear mid-section.

9. Muffins are not donuts.
Do not make this mistake or you will pay dearly.  Muffin tops are acceptable on occassion.  The real muffin tops.  Not these.

10. Easy on the donut sprinkles.
This isn't a 3 year old's birthday party. Adults can enjoy donuts without the colorful candy on top.

11. Always make a public announcement when you bring donuts into the office.
There is nothing more frustrating than stumbling upon a collection of donuts at 10:45am. There is a time and place for donuts, and that time quickly expires as 10am passes. Donuts are best served hot upon arrival to the office.

12. Less than 10% of your donut box should contain jelly or custard.
No one prefers a jelly or custard filled donut over a normal donut. If they do, they don't deserve to be part of the donut group. Don't screw it up.

13. Do not move the donut spread.
The donuts should have a designated spot in the office. Once they are there, do not move them. Donuts must have a home.

14. Leave your Cinnamon Raisin or any other sweet bagel at home.
If you bring bagels to the office, please understand that there are certain flavors of bagels that are, historically speaking, not "bagels". Bagels with anything sweet - glazes, cinnamon, or raisins, ARE NOT BAGELS.

15. If you must bring a sweet bagel, they should stay outside of the 2 foot radius of real bagels.
Again, sweet bagels are not real bagels and they should not be treated as such.

16. There is only one acceptable brand of cream cheese - Philadelphia cream cheese.
Bringing anything else is simply reprehensible. It may be annoying to make a special trip just for cream cheese, but it's absolutely necessary. And none of that tubbed Philly cream cheese. Always in the tin foil brick.

17. Always provide a plain cream cheese.
If you bring in two buckets of cream cheese, and both of them have mixed garden vegetables or something even worse mixed into it, you will be punished.

18. Your bagel platter should consist of at least 50% plain bagels.
Don't try and get creative with all sorts of bizarre sh%$ in your bagel platter. Stick to the bread and butter, which in this case is plain bagels and plain cream cheese.

19. Avoid bagels that have "everything" (all the toppings)
Bagels that have sesame, poppy, onion, garlic, and whatever else is on there are an acceptable bagel flavor, but not at the office. The aftermath is disastrous.

20. If there are leftovers at the end of the day, don't take your bagels or donuts back home.
If you purchased the bagels or donuts, it is not okay to take them back home at the end of the day. People have no problem eating a bagel that might be a day stale or a donut that is a little hard to the touch.

Do you have additional rules you'd like to add regarding breakfast at the workplace?  Add them to the comments below or on Twitter with the hashtag #bfastrules (view Twitter chat).

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'Unwritten rules of the office' is a new recurring article from Dudley B. Dawson which will appear several times per week through the end of the year.

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