State of relationships

October 31, 1:13 PMSeattle Divorce Support ExaminerH.M. Weimar

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I do realize that this is the divorce support column but we need to look at relationships in general and figure out where society is heading. As far as long term committed relationships people are choosing different options for their future. Years ago when two people fell in love the natural thing to do was get married. Some woman went to college just to find a husband. Men would make sure they were financially sound, savings accounts, good jobs, a way to take care of a family, before they would ask for a womans hand in marriage. Now people are either choosing not to get married because they make more money or have more options if they don't, or they are jumping in too quickly. The world is changing and with it the pace of marriage, divorce and dating.

When my parents got married people actually courted each other. When my dad decided to marry my mom he made sure he would have a home set up for her to go to, he had a savings, furniture, a job. He had everything ready so that he would be the kind of man that she would want to be with, she would feel secure and protected. These days people are marrying after a few days, they move in with each other, either in his place or hers, they may or may not have things and may not even know much about their partners. They are jumping in quicker. It seems that if they've never been divorced and don't know how expensive and hard it is to get through it, emotionally, physically or financially, they jump in. Either they think that their marriage or relationship will never fall apart, the infamous "rose colored glasses" syndrome-everything will always be good, or they have divorce in the back of their minds if it doesn't work out. People don't seem to be thinking about things before they react. The world has become so fast paced that now even emotions flare without thought. Words are used before the meaning is understood or the affect. Relationships are one area that things should really move slower. More time and care should be taken to understand and look at the situation and where it may end up before decisions like living together or getting married are made. For goodness sake people, slow down and think about what your doing to yourselves and the people around you.

Something else that has gotten too fast paced is divorces and break ups. When one problem arises people are deciding to leave instead of trying to see if there is a way to work it out. I know in my case my ex-husband walked with one major issue. We had other smaller issues that were resolved and I kept telling him that each time we made it through something, the relationship got stronger. We hit one road block that we had difficulty getting through. He mentioned that he didn't see an end to it and I did. I think the major problem was that he thought that he couldn't find any middle ground on the issue and I was willing to. It does take two but, I know I mentioned this in an article before, if he would've just stuck around a little longer, he would've seen the end. We actually had a good relationship between us, it was outside factors that were affecting our marriage. Instead of pulling together and making our foundation stronger, he became the weak wall of our structure and collapsed. It's hard to repair something that isn't willing to be repaired. In the long run I know it was the best thing, I just believe in marriage, apparently he didn't. This is something that should've been thought of before we were married. Something that should've been discussed before we were married, but then again, people just are not looking at those things. They think the world is beautiful and no storms will hit, no earthquakes, no floods, nothing will come between them, until it happens. They are not preparing their relationships to weather it. Things are more superficial than they used to be. Most families, both parents work, sometimes opposite schedules, they are tired, frustrated and aren't spending the time to connect everyday or repair issues that may have come up that day. They put them off and figure they will deal with it later. Relationships don't work like that. If you leave your dishes in the sink, or laundry in the basket, it doesn't clean itself. You've got to do the work. People just aren't doing it.

American courts have become a huge money making machine and there are commercials all the time advertising divorce. The word is everywhere, no wonder we keep it in mind constantly. We are being fed subliminally with the word and how easy these attorneys make it sound. There are so many conferences, meetings and schedules to keep up with, each time you are charged for your attorney's time, the judge's time and so many other things, parking, time off work, and the list goes on. It has become so expensive to end a marriage that some people are choosing not to. They start living separate lives, separate homes, separate accounts, separate bills, still married. No papers filed at all. I can see how this would be convenient considering how much it costs to divorce these days, but in the long run this can cause so many more issues. Creditwise you are still together, emotionally it keeps you from really attaching to someone else and there are other legal ramifications. It still has become more common and actually can make things more costly. I know with my first divorce, my ex and I had been apart a couple of years, still nothing was filed, when I got into a relationship and ended up with my twins. When I finally went to court to get the divorce, the twins were considered his because we were still married. It didn't matter that we were states apart when I got pregnant, or that the father of the twins was willing to take responsibility. We had to hire a guardian ad litem, go through paternity and try to straighten out that mess before we could actually have our agree divorce. Not even filing separation cost us thousands in the long run. Sometimes making the decision to not file because of costs will come back to bite you.

On top of the whole marriage situation, if you look at how people are handling relationships themselves it has become so superficial. People are moving in together way too quickly, which we mentioned before, wanting results, as far as sexually, way to fast and then popping in and out changing their minds constantly. We can sit here and blame society, that our children are not being taught good moral standards, television, movies, video games, or we can look back at ourselves. Someone said once, can't remember where I heard it, but if your pointing a finger you need to look down cause there are four of them pointing back at you. It is up to us to decide what we're doing, financially, morally and physically with our lives and our relationships. There is no one to blame but us. If you want to sit back and try to blame your parents, past relationships, society, then you should be looking into how to change you, so that you are not affected by other influences around you. I for one, have moral standards. I had a date tell me recently that he expected sex by the third date, it was part of the rules of dating. I don't think I've laughed so hard in years. Rules of dating for one thing. Why are there rules, each person is different, each situation, each reaction to each other, how can you set rules for that? Second, setting a time limit for when you will be ready to step into that kind of physical relationship. How can people do that to themselves? Doesn't it take away from the actual foundation of the relationship to place time limits, or date limits, on something like that? What happened to getting to know each other? Spontaneity? I seem to remember that the anticipation itself and not knowing what was going to happen was part of the fun of dating, part of the excitment. Do we really want to take that away when we have so many other things to worry about in the world these days? Why spoil the fun in something we can control? We do have the choice to say no to sex or to wait, we don't have choices about inflation or paying bills. Let the excitement linger, that's what I say. Save the fun so you can have a break from reality, finances and other mundane stuff. Stop moving so fast and putting limits on where your heart can take you. Just because you've been dating and are deciding to get serious doesn't mean you have to have sex. It isn't always a part of being in a serious relationship and there are so many things out there that can cause live long issues from dating one person three times just to get sex. Stop and build a foundation so you can weather any storm.

Life is hard enough without having to deal with extra issues. Things move fast enough and pile up quickly. We have choices when we date, when we move in together and when we get married. We need to take advantage of the choices we have and take them slow, think about them, make them worth while. In this day age, we are loosing options on so many other things due to the economy, lack of jobs, housing costs, don't let that take away something that was meant to be exciting, meant to give you hope, meant to make your heart race and put a smile on your face. Take your time and enjoy something that was meant to linger and distract you from the rest of the world. Enjoy each other and the feeling you get from that first kiss. Make it last, it doesn't cost anything.

Thank you for reading my article today. I hope that somehow all of this has helped you to look at relationships from a different perspective and that you enjoy the people in your life. If you have any questions or comments you can leave them below or email me at hmweimar@yahoo.com . You can also find me on
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