So you want to be a Stay-at-Home Dad? Part VII

April 3, 1:02 PMFatherhood ExaminerJoe Schatz

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Unexpected challenges await Stay-at-home dads

With so many changes to the traditional work environment and with the economy tanking, we are seeing a lot of families make the choice to bring daddy home. So, if you are a dad out there considering becoming a SAHD, I am here to scare you straight. It is tough being a full-time parent. I, personally, think it is more challenging staying home with kids then it is to work. This series is intended to show potential stay at home dads the reality behind the choice to become a full-time parent.

Last Week’s Topic: The Positives

This Week’s Topic: The Intangibles

Being a full-time dad is a major challenge but there are some major rewards.  Being a dad is a lot like coaching; you suffer through the bad and revel in the good.  Today’s post takes a look at those intangibles that ultimately define what being a stay-at-home dad is all about. 

The Bad

Like a coach, you feel every bump in the parenting road and vicariously take on all your child’s challenges.  Being a stay-at-home dad you are on the front line during many of not so nice times your children endure. 

Sickness

It is hard to convey, but the helpless feeling you get as a parent the first time one of your kids gets sick is just heartbreaking.  Literally there is nothing you can—well you can get your kid to the doctor and the right medicine, but a cold needs to run its course.  Teething, earaches, sore throats, fever and nausea are tough to see anyone go through let alone your child.  If your child has a sick day the chances are that you are going to get sick too—and you will usually get the crazy strong version of whatever your kid has.  What’s worse is when your child has a health issue that isn’t a sickness but an injury or a worse yet a condition or disability. 

Conditions and Injuries

You will find that many individuals that run x-ray machines have no regard for the fear a huge hulking piece of mechanical equipment can induce in a young child.  Luckily all of our children have sustained only minor injuries (a broken foot and a broken arm) in their careers and only one of our daughters had a condition that required multiple doctors’ visits.  When you are a stay-at-home dad you need to be there during all these tough times. 

Maybe the most difficult thing I have had to do as a parent to date is hold my daughter’s hand when she was being tested for her reflux condition.  It is almost impossible to tell your daughter everything is going to be ‘alright’ when she is about to be catheterized—but you do it anyway (sometimes more than once). 

Shots

It’s just not easy taking your kid to the doctor and watching them get their fingers pricked or get multiple needles.  I hated seeing our babies get needles and now that they are growing up I still hate it.  Kids, because they are kids, require shots by the gross.  To make matters worse, some of the nurses that administer the shots are absolute barbarians.  I have seen nurses bend needles in my kids arms before—not cool. 

The Good

Undoubtedly there will be some challenges that your children will face and these will weigh on you, but the good stuff easily outweighs all of the challenges put together.

Milestones

As a full-time dad you will be there when your kid starts to roll and crawl for the first time.  You will watch them as they start cruising around and eventually walking on their own.  As your child mutters their first sounds—you will hear them.  The milestones are sometimes concrete and universally acknowledge, but often times a bit more subtle.

For instance, when your kid graduates out of formula or breast milk was always great for me as a stay-at-home dad.  I didn’t have all the bottle preparation any more—things just got easier.  Another graduation that goes unnoticed is the, “I can feed myself” milestone.  There are so many of these moments that all point to a child becoming someone who is more independent and self-sufficient that receive little to no press.  One of my favorite graduations or milestones is when a child understands and demonstrates proficiency in buckling up themselves in their carseats. 

Like a coach, you are teaching your child the whole way through all these moments in their lives offering encouragement and praise.  Their accomplishments speak to you as a parent just as much as they speak to your child as a growing, learning individual.   It is hard to not be proud as you see your kids navigate the challenging world around them.

Manners

As the full-time parent, you are the full-time influencer of your children.  What they do reflects on you and the example you are setting for them at home.  Another opportunity for stay-at-home parents is to coach your children to use manners. 

Something that always makes me feel good is to see my girls use their manners appropriately.  I think children should respect adults and adults should respect children and it all begins with the simple lesson of teaching your children “please” and “thank you.”  I think we all have seen some of those obnoxious kids that think they are entitled to every cookie, candy and chewy snack within a five mile radius.  It is ugly to see a kid that has no manners and I think it warms everyone’s heart to see a child who has been taught respect.  I can safely say my kids have been guilty of being both the obnoxious kid and the respectful one but thankfully they generally reside in the latter.

Love

Dads should coach love.  As a stay-at-home dad to three daughters I feel my responsibility is huge.  I need to make sure that they see what a proper husband and dad should be through the example I set.  By being a loving, respectful husband my daughters are learning what is acceptable behavior by the way I treat my wife.  I tell my girls all the time how much I love them and they have learned to respond in kind.  I think a lot of little girls are super sweet by nature, but I would like to take some of the credit for how loving our girls are. 

It is a huge source of pride for me when my girls talk about how they love their friends and family members.  You can throw all the other junk out, but I can be assured I am doing a good job when my girls tell me they love me—all the time. 

Mini-Mes

As a stay-at-home dad, my girls learn culture, morality, and when to goof around through the example I set every day.  For instance, I quote movie lines all the time.  One of my favorite lines that I use with my kids is from the movie Aliens.  I think I have said, “Move like you got a purpose people” about a thousand times.  For some odd reason, I am proud when I hear them copy me and use my lines with each other or with me. 

Besides passing down one-liners, I also love to make people laugh and this sense of humor is something I can safely say I have handed down to my girls.  Lastly, my father taught me through example how important humility is and whether it is in sports, academics or their personal lives I strive to teach my girls the lesson of humility.  It is so cool to see my girls miss an opportunity to brag simply because it isn’t part of their culture at home. 

As your kids grow up from infants to toddlers to kids in school you can see your influence in so much of how they act.  The litmus test for my body of work is how my children behave.  Are they well adjusted? Are they happy?  Are they respectful and humble?  Are they confident?  Are they well behaved in public settings?  I take pride in my kids being a stay-at-home dad because they are my full-time occupation.  When strangers, friends and family members compliment my kids—they are complimenting me.

Summing it up

The intangibles behind being a full-time parent are sometimes bad but more often than not they are a source of pride.  As a stay-at-home dad you are there when they take their first steps to when they get on the bus for the first time.  You are both a coach and a caregiver and your influence continues to be felt with each passing day, month and year.

So, can you hack it?  Is being a stay-at-home dad something you can handle?  Can you take the good with the bad?  This series has officially come to its conclusion and without question it should stand the test of time as a knowledgebase for dads considering being a stay at home dad.  What say you?  Any thoughts about stay-at-home dads or just the intangibles of parenting?