So you want to be a Stay-at-Home Dad? Part V

March 20, 11:30 AMFatherhood ExaminerJoe Schatz

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What does it take to be a stay at home dad?

With so many changes to the traditional work environment and with the economy tanking, we are seeing a lot of families make the choice to bring daddy home. So, if you are a dad out there considering becoming a SAHD, I am here to scare you straight. It is tough being a full-time parent. I, personally, think it is more challenging staying home with kids then it is to work. This series is intended to show potential stay at home dads the reality behind the choice to become a full-time parent.

Last Week’s Topic: You and Your Diminishing Ego

This Week’s Topic: The Daily Grind

Laundry

As far as I am concerned, the daily grind begins and ends with the laundry.  The laundry is a metaphor for any unceasing-attacking menace.  Like waves crashing on the beach, laundry is relentless.  Babies make laundry—lots and lots of laundry.  It is all dirty and most of it smells like formula.  The smell of formula, after some exposure to it, begins to achieve the effect of triggering a wicked gag reflex.  The formula smell is the smell that you pray for though.  The other smells that radiate through baby laundry take on a life of their own.  What is worse than the smells?  Folding of course.  Folding little tiny laundry is maddening.  What is the point really?  I mean the onesies can be wrinkled, right?

Toddlers are wholesale creators of laundry.  Toddlers make laundry almost instantly.  Toddlers wipe absolutely everything on themselves.  Whether it is a toddler wiping a sticky finger on their pant leg or a toddler wiping their nose/mouth with their sleeve, you will quickly see that toddlers never stop making laundry.  Toddlers, late in toddlerhood, discover that they can change their outfits.  As soon as the outfit changing flood gates open it is nearly impossible to close them.  Instead of having heaps of nasty baby laundry you will now have heaps of toddler laundry.  Toddler laundry ranges from nasty undies to perfectly clean shirts that were put in the hamper alongside the nasty undies.  After a piece of laundry reaches the hamper—it gets washed. Think of it this way, you wouldn't eat a clean piece of fruit if it was sitting next to the cat box would you?

Toddlers are wholesale creators of laundry.

Putting laundry away seems like such an afterthought.  It is kind of anti-climatic to put the laundry away and perhaps that’s why I hate putting laundry away most of all. 

Dishes

The dishes aren’t quite as bad as the laundry but they can be every bit as gross.  Dishes come in all shapes and sizes.  Doing the dishes could mean putting an empty formula bottle in the dishwasher or it could mean cleaning off the high chair.  High chairs are areas of great concern.  Toddlers simply wipe stuff on themselves—babies wipe stuff indiscriminately.  Babies wiggle, squirm and shuffle in their seats.  With each twist and turn the average baby can deposit as much as 5 tablespoons (based on no reliable data) of debris in or on their high chair or seat.  This debris may start out as cream of rice but invariably it will end up as cement.  As an aside, if for some reason we ever ran out of whatever is used to make up cement I am quite sure I could come up with a great substitute. 

Toddlers, although slightly more dexterous, create more dish related problems than babies.   Toddlers, because they are slightly more dexterous, achieve ‘top off’ status with their drinks at some point.  ‘Top off’ status is highly sought after and always precarious.  A toddler can have ‘top off’ one day and the next it can be revoked.  ‘Top off’ is a privilege like a drivers license, and we don’t give toddlers licenses, right?  I digress.  Let’s say your toddler recently has been awarded ‘top off’ status and they have no accidents for a week or maybe two weeks—everything is going well. Right?  Wrong.  Week three hits and they dump chocolate milk on themselves.  You shake it off and give them another go at it.  Orange juice later in the week has betrayed them.  You go to the well one more time—grape juice.  Things don’t go well once again.  You institute Marshall Law.  All drinks must have lids again until your sanity returns.  ‘Top off’ status has brought you extra laundry and more time with the mop in one week than you spend with your wife in a month. 

Dishes are more of a frame of mind then an actual chore.  There are ways to conserve dishes.  For instance, napkins make great plates.  Another great tip is to use the same cup over and over, day in and day out.  Simply rinse with hot soapy water and that cup is ready to get back in the action.  Try to think of how to eliminate dishes--you aren't being lazy, you are being creative.

Picking Up

Picking up comes in two forms: the quick pick up, and the good pick up.  You will become a black belt in the quick pick up in a very short period of time and detach yourself from the ivory tower notion of the good pick up.  Before kids, it is very likely that your home was much easier to maintain, but since they have entered the picture you will notice that it just isn’t the same.  With your energy level getting zapped from all the chores, errands and diaper changing it is quite likely that you begin to feel more and more comfortable with a house that revolves around the ideology of the quick pick up.  This mindset invades almost every part of your life.  The 3 second rule evolves to a 5 second rule with child number two and then a, “Wait, where did you find that?  Oh, never mind.” rule with child number 3. The quick pick up is a façade, but an effective one.  A quick pick up consists of making sure everything is in its place and the kitchen is clean.  You will do things like shuffle pillows on beds and couches, put toys and books away, put dishes in the dishwasher and sweep up larger messes.  No vacuuming, dusting or mopping is required.  This façade can only continue for so long though.  The stickiness of the floor, the dirt in the carpet and general nastiness that abounds will speak to your body of work.

Because you are a guy, chances are you are competitive.  So, it stands to reason, you will begin to reach critical mass with a dirty house as it affects your sense of pride.  Once this happens you will achieve the good pick up.  The good pick up only happens when the conditions are ideal.  Like the perfect storm—everything has to be just so.  You will need time, desire, the right tools and fuel.  A wise man once said, “A hungry man can’t clean,” and for that reason I have always liked wise men. 

The good pick up only happens when the conditions are ideal.  Like the perfect storm—everything has to be just so.

Good Tools

If you have started to do a good pick up you will notice there may be some tools you need to purchase to get the job done.  Make sure you have good equipment.  Nothing is more frustrating than starting to do the chores and having something break or run out of fluid.  A stay at home dad is like a warrior.  Our foes?  Mold, mildew, dirt, dust and grease.  You will only become a cleaning warrior once you have mastered the art of the good pick up.  You will be vacuuming.  You will be cleaning toilets, tubs and showers.  You will be sweeping and mopping.  You will be taking out the trash and ironing.  You will even still have to mow the lawn.  All of these chores require the right tools to get the job done.  Stay stocked up and get the good stuff.  The bad stuff breaks three times as quickly and cost more in the long run.

Man Chores

On top of all the normal housework, stay at home dads will have to do all of the man chores.  Man chores consist of the following: shoveling snow, mowing the lawn, heavy yard work, heavy lifting, taking out the trash, cleaning the cat box and picking up after the dog.  Just cause you fold laundry doesn’t mean you get a pass on all of these chores—you still got ‘em, so suck it up.

Food

Since you are home with the kids, you will be in charge of cooking.  If you don’t know how to cook—figure it out.  It makes no sense for a wife to be expected to work all day and come home to cook just because you are too lazy or intimidated to figure it out.  Once again this will become a source of pride.  If you don’t cook or provide food for the children, you will be looked at as ‘one of those helpless dads’—a label you will seek to avoid.  Prepare food that you get excited to eat, but the key is not to overdo it.  You may make an incredible dinner one night, but it is all forgotten when you pass out slices of cheese and a chopped up banana for the next dinner.  Seek middle ground.  Find meals that:  taste good, are easily prepared and easily duplicated. 

 So, can you hack it? Can you be a stay-at-home dad?  Can you handle the daily grind?  Will this post help prepare you for the rough waters ahead?  Today we covered The Daily Grind, next Friday we’ll look at The Positives.