So You Want to be a Stay at Home Dad? Part IV

March 13, 2:10 PMFatherhood ExaminerJoe Schatz

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Stay at Home Dads Egos are a delicate matter

With so many changes to the traditional work environment and with the economy tanking, we are seeing a lot of families make the choice to bring daddy home. So, if you are a dad out there considering becoming a SAHD, I am here to scare you straight. It is tough being a full-time parent. I, personally, think it is more challenging staying home with kids then it is to work. This series is intended to show potential stay at home dads the reality behind the choice to become a full-time parent.

Last Week’s Topic: Having a Sense of Humor

This Week’s Topic: You and Your Diminishing Ego

 When people ask you questions like, “What do you do for a living?” and you tell them, “I’m a stay-at-home dad,” get ready for some looks and stares.  You will quickly realize that you are a member of an elite group of society that gets little to no respect.  Maybe you used to be a corporate big shot or work construction but now you are changing diapers and let’s face it—it is really hard to find self-esteem in poopy diapers. 

I had a lot of internal hang ups to get over when I started my career as a SAHD over 8 years ago.  I thought everyone would think less of me and all the people I would meet from there on out would think I was a loser.  This simply wasn’t true.  My family was very supportive and although some of the SAHMs were nasty to me, many more have become great friends of mine.  The hardest thing for me to overcome when it came to my ego was all the self imposed hurdles I created for myself.  I think I sabotaged my self-image for about a year or so. 

I had issues.  My self-confidence was low and it really didn’t need to be.  I hated talking to secretaries during doctor visits and filling out all those initial forms.  Inevitably I would be asked, “What is your place of employment?” and I would have to answer, “I am a stay-at-home dad.”  For some reason, that was extremely hard on me in the early days. 

It always made me feel weird around Christmas or my wife’s birthday to buy her presents with her money—I always over compensated and bought too much.  I always felt the need to contribute as much as I could to the family and maybe burned myself out many times by working one or two part-time jobs at nights.  For some reason it was hard for me to associate self-esteem with just being a full-time dad.  Our culture has an expectation for the role a man plays in society and I am not saying that these expectations are bad but I do know they put pressure on the average guy who stays home with the kids.  As a boy growing up you never fantasize about being a full-time dad—maybe you think you will be a policemen or a doctor, but not Mr. Mom.

To prepare you for what is to come as a SAHD, you also need to be ready to be ostracized by the majority of your peers.  The SAHD gig is a lonely gig because there are so few of us out there that it is really difficult to find any other dads out there that are at home with the kids and the chances are you have very little in common with the ones you meet.  SAHMs have it easier in that sense, there are many more of them and as they traverse through neighborhood playgroups and kids activities they can usually find a strong network of ladies that they connect with.  SAHDs aren’t as lucky. 

When we try to network we are seen as an oddity or flirts.  Many moms don't regard dads as parental equals and look at us as a joke.  You will get a lot of eye rolling and awkward silent moments with these moms who basically, from moment one, dismiss you without based on some misconceived prejudice.  These moms will also look at anything your child does as a source of validation for their bias.  "Oh, his child's clothes have a stain--that just figures," is the predominant vibe that resonates from these moms.  It is hard for some moms to let dads watch their kids too.  For some reason, I have come across moms who are sexist and have a hang up when it comes to men watching their children--it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, but it still impacts our self esteem.  Bottom line, we aren’t taken seriously many times and it hurts—so what do we do to combat the isolation and deflating ego?  How do we combat all these internal and external demons?

The answer is to find pride in being an excellent dad.  If you take your job seriously as a SAHD you will be respected by your peers, family members and friends.  Right now, I am in the twilight of my career as an at home dad.  I have two young children in elementary school and a toddler at home.  One of my greatest sources of pride is the fact that my daughters are respectful, well adjusted and well behaved little girls.  I get compliments on their behavior and attitude all the time which is the corporate equivalent of landing a huge contract or having a record breaking year in sales—but better.  Early on in my career as a SAHD it was hard to see the forest for the trees.  I didn’t understand that my role as a SAHD wasn’t just utilitarian but it was greater than that—I was shaping and molding young minds.  After I got a handle of my own demons and started to find pride in my work as a caregiver, I adopted an attitude of, “I am stay-at-home dad, hear me roar.”  This ultimately lead to me starting a blog to champion SAHDs, which lead to me getting the opportunity to write for the Examiner--so, yeah, you can find self-esteem as a man staying home with kids but it may not be easy. 

So, can you hack it? Can you be a stay-at-home dad?  Can you find handle taking a hit in the ego department?  Will this post help prepare you for the rough waters ahead?  Today we covered You and Your Diminishing Ego, next Friday we’ll look at The Daily Grind.