Study: Kids with Jobs Turn into Delinquents

February 26, 1:38 PMFatherhood ExaminerJoe Schatz

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In a study that must have been funded by the Lazy Teenagers Union, researchers found that kids who worked in their early years were more likely to turn to juvenile delinquency than their otherwise successfully jobless counterparts.

The study examined the results of a survey conducted in 2004-2006 that looked into the lives of about 5,100 fifth-graders and their parents. In what must have been an incredibly slow news day, the findings were published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, much to the real scientific community’s chagrin.

The researchers found that 1-in-5 kids in the survey had been actively working a for-pay job of some sort, such as babysitting or mowing lawns. They even said something about paper routes, but this is impossible because nobody actually gets a paper delivered anymore. No word on what the other 4-of-5 kids are doing with their time, but I’m going to guess that they’re waiting for their friends to get off of work.

Apparently, these working kids were twice as likely to consume alcohol in the previous 30 days. They were also two times more likely to smoke tobacco and three times more likely to smoke marijuana. Not only that, but these kids were also getting into fights more and running away from home, presumably to escape their crappy, minimum-wage jobs.

The most shocking part of this study was the acknowledgement by the researchers that they had no idea what they were talking about or what the results of the report mean. “We know very little about kids and work, especially this kind of informal work. So, in that sense, this study may be useful in launching an academic dialogue, but in reality it means absolutely nothing."

Further reinforcing the strong evidence of the high probability that there might or might not possibly be a link or coincidence between delinquency and suckish teen employment, Ramchand goes on to say, “Nothing in this study should cause parents any concern about having Billy baby-sit or Susie mow a neighbor's lawn.” The study makes no mention of kids not named Billy or Susie. 

Note: This is an intentional parody of a real study.