The Incident

April 30, 9:02 AMFatherhood ExaminerJoe Schatz

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**Note: This story contains valuable parenting information. If you are squeamish or do not like stories about real life events you may not want to read this story. **

As parents there are many times that our interests, needs and even our health are put on the back burner as we tend to our little ones who insist on being perpetually first in line for attention.  Although this is true there are some times when nature will wait for no one, not even a whiney brat.  Something horrible happened to me a short while back when I was out on a shopping trip with my two youngest daughters into the heart of a nearby town that has all the Target's, Kohls', and Toys 'r' Us's making it a great place to go to cross of multiple items on a shopping list.  We had eaten fast food that day and were bouncing through the stores at a frantic pace which always adds up to a tempest of a belly ache.  I had no time to pay attention to the rumblings in my tummy and continued along at a torrid clip grabbing up diapers, socks, birthday party presents, and the inevitable DVD for the kids  faster than you could say "Imodium AD."  I was flaunting my invulnerability at God like those who claimed the Titanic was "unsinkable" and, well, we all remembered what happened there.

I was just wrapping up a trip to the last store on my list and strapping my offspring into their seats as I realized that I was gonna need to drive home in record time 'cause I was about to lose control of a situation none to pleasant.  After I had tied the little suckers in and got in the vehicle and began to drive reality hit me.  I wasn't gonna make it home.  No matter how much I prefer, no insist, on the home throne it was a fool's dream to think I could make it there with home some 15-20 minutes away.  It also became clear to me that if I didn't get out of the car in the next minute I may be driving home in soiled cargo shorts.  Damn you McDonalds!  I had to look around for an alternative and fast.

Then, out of the clear, blue, strip-malled sky, I saw it.  It was like seeing a porcelain oasis after walking miles in foreign city devoid of restrooms.   Barnes and Nobles.  "I've always liked their bathrooms," I thought to myself.  I had to act fast.  I was getting cold sweats and my kids were locked in tight to their safety seats.  Each movement I made was amplified somehow.  I was more keenly aware of my surroundings at that moment than any moment in my life.  I expertly slid my minivan into an uncomfortably tight spot (the only thing available ever at our Barnes and Nobles) and quickly engaged the vehicle in park and jumped out of my seat in one fluid motion.  The sound of belt buckles unsnapping resonated in my bowels, the way my 5 year old slowly sauntered out of the mini-van made it seem like time itself had stopped.  I noticed french fries on the floor, hair clips, stupid fast food toys and miscellaneous wrappers.  I was about to explode and my 5 year old was moseying.

Finally, we escaped the mini-van and as I grabbed up my toddler and began to pull my 5 year old across the parking lot I calculated how far the entrance was and how far I had to go from there to reach the ivory tower which was a Barnes and Nobles clean restroom.  "This is gonna be close."  I pushed through the doors into the store.  It felt like I was about to be born again.  It was bright inside, my eyes quickly adjusted, and the store was filled with the murmur of customers and cashiers.  I had a strange sensation of being paranoid.  Maybe it was the desperation in my eyes, or the fact that I was running in a direct line toward the bathroom, but I couldn't help but think that everyone in the store was looking at me and they all knew I was about to light up the bathroom.  I had to focus.  The light at the end of the tunnel was just ahead.  Everything was coming to a climax; passer-byers parted noticing the urgency and determination on my face.  My 5 year old asked, "Da Da, why are we running?"  I couldn't think.  No time to answer, I only had time to plow past the men's room door.  Entering the bathroom my eyes instantly found the handicap stall.  I needed the wide birth with my daughters in tow.  It was empty!

I will spare you the details, but that day changed me.  Having one of your most mind numbingly forceful bowel movements with a toddler on your lap and a 5 year old staring at you gives you a feeling of empowerment.  It was as if I was initiated into an elite corp.  I feel if you can go to the bathroom with a toddler on your lap you can accomplish anything in this world.  What's next for Joeprah?  Only time will tell.