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Five stepfamily sabateurs: unspoken expectations and assumptions of stepparents
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Ease into your stepfamily with realistic expectations
1. I will love my stepkids as my own
Bonding is a process that takes time. Biological parents begin this process before a child is born. Their relationship begins with love, not loss. Infants are fully dependent upon their parents and thus bond to them immediately to have their needs met. Children are different, they've developed some independence and they hold fierce loyalties to their parents. They won't make it easy to love them.
2. Stepparents are pseudo-parents
Going in to a new family expecting to carry the same authority and respect the bio-parent receives is an unrealistic expectation. By recognizing this early and letting the kids "off the hook" you will ease their anxiety and spare yourself the disappointment. I recommend you consider yourself not a friend to their stepkids, but more like a close aunt or uncle, someone that is due respect and courtesy but doesn't carry the authority of a parent (at least not in the beginning).
3. My situation is different because the other parent is absent
It may seem logical that your stepkids will accept you quicker if their own biological parent is absent but this is not necessarily so. There are a lot of variables that will influence how your stepkids respond to you. Kids harbor unrealistic expectations that their parents will reunite. You may be seen as the barrier keeping the other parent away. In the case of a deceased parent, a child may be more protective of the memory of that parent since the surviving parent has moved on with life.
4. My situation is different because my new stepkids are grown
People process things in their own way and at their own pace. If an adult-child has not come to terms with their parent's divorce, or the death of a parent, ht/she will have a lot of work to do before they are ready to accept a new stepparent. If there is money involved, they may be concerned about the impact you will have on their inheritance. If this is an issue, you may want to put it on the table yourself because the kids may be too embarrassed or afraid they'll look selfish.
5. My new in-laws will respect my place in their family
Your parents-in-law and sisters and brothers-in-law may continue to have a relationship with your spouse's ex. After all, the ex is the parent of their grandchildren, nieces and nephews. It's unrealistic to think they should end their relationship with the ex just because your spouse did. They shouldn't have to choose between the two of you. If you want them to accept you, you must accept them.
For more information, visit www.blackwellfamilyresources.com
