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Therapy in Three Minutes: A sexless marriage?
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A Sexless Marriage?
Dear Dr Swain,
My husband and I have been married for 15 years now and are the parents of two active boys, one is 5, the other is 8. We love our boys, but honestly, since we have had kids, our sex life has fallen off to almost never. The last time we made love was almost a year ago. Though I love my husband and still find him attractive, I feel uncomfortable making love in the house when the boys are around. My husband is afraid that means we won’t be having sex again until they leave for college. Any ideas?
I hear a couple of issues here. Let’s address the easiest one first: the practical issues of sex in a household that includes children. The easiest thing? Simply arrange for the boys to have a sleep over at grandma’s, a friend’s house, or someone else you trust to watch your boys for one night. This would allow you two some alone time in your own home and free you from the concerns you have about having the boys know what you are doing. If there is no one you know or trust nearby to care for the boys overnight, the next thought I’d have would be to hire a baby sitter to take to the boys to a movie during the day. This would give you a couple of free hours to enjoy yourselves.
But I’d be remiss if I didn’t address what I see as a deeper issue here. Is it possible you feel ashamed or embarrassed that you and your husband have sex? Sex is a key way for two people to express love for each other, and though I am would never suggest that you actively promote your sex life in front of your children, there is no shame in their knowing, or at least being aware of the fact that you and your husband are physically and emotionally in love with each other. It is very healthy for your children to see their parents expressing their physical love for each other though kissing, hugging, and flirting with each other.
As for making love while the boys are in the house, simply close and lock your door, and make love after they are in bed. Unless you’re especially loud in your lovemaking, it is unlikely they’d be aware of what is occurring in the privacy of your bedroom.
Dr. Keith W. Swain is a licensed psychotherapist with a private practice in Denver, Colorado. He is also the author of Dynamic Duos: The Alpha/Beta Key to Unlocking Success in Gay Relationships.
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