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Therapy in Three Minutes: Is my fiance gay?
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Dear Dr. Swain,
I have been seeing the same guy for over five years and I really love him. We have talked about getting married over the years, but for various reasons, like college and such, we have held off. But if I am honest with you, the main reason I have been holding off marrying him is this: I have a nagging feeling that my fiancé is gay. It is not that he’s feminine or anything, in fact he was a military policeman for the last three years in Iraq. But there are plenty of other things that have me concerned. Here are just a few: First, he had the name of one of his buddies tattooed on his arm after they were in the service together. (He always prefers the company of his male friends over spending time with me.) Second, his favorite sexual encounters always involved one of his buddies. He is always pushing me to have three-ways. I said yes a couple of times, but it is as if I am not in the room – my fiancé and his buddy had a great time, but I seemed like an after thought. When I suggested that we bring another girl in to play, my fiancé told me he found the idea repulsive. He won’t go down on me either. Last year when his buddy from the army came to town, the two of them shared a bed, even though he has a guest room in his house. He told me they gave each other rubdowns after working out, but nothing sexual happened between them. Finally, he seems to really be into his butt. It’s gotten to where he can’t come inside me unless I put my finger up his butt. Just this week, he asked me if I’d do him with a strap-on. My friends all tell me they think my fiancé is gay, (or at least a bit too kinky for me), but when I ask my fiancé straight out if he is gay, he says no. He belongs to a Christian church that finds homosexuality amoral, and he truly believes that homosexuality is wrong. Am I being naïve? I always feel that I should give people the benefit of the doubt. Is it possible for someone to be gay and not know it? Signed: Questioning in Arizona
Dear Questioning: Let’s answer your questions first. Are you being naïve? Yes. Is it possible for someone to be gay and not know it? Yes. Is your fiancé gay? Yes.
Your fiancé is in a state of denial. But most people see psychological denial as a conscious decision on the part of the person in denial. But this is not true. In true denial, the patient unknowingly needs a state of denial in order to continue functioning in their daily lives. The horror of facing their reality is too much, so their minds engage in an active game of hide-and-seek instead, hiding the obvious signs that you and I see when we look at your fiancé’s life. The challenge for your fiancé has got to be tough – certainly he can’t be fully happy living in such a state, facing the on-going questioning of not only his friends, but those closest to him – you. Eventually he will seek assistance to get his life in order – though likely he won’t seek help with this specific question.
Regardless of your fiancé‘s affectional and sexual orientation, the question I think you need to ask yourself is this: are you happy in this situation? It sounds to me as if you’re not. Though I am sure your fiancé is a great guy with lots of good traits, the overall state of his denial leads me to say that you should call off your relationship and move on to be with someone who can truly love you fully, and fully aware. You deserve that.
Dr. Keith W. Swain is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Denver, CO. He can be reached via www.swaintherapy.com. He is also the author of Dynamic Duos: The Alpha/Beta Key to Unlocking Success in Gay Relationships.
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