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Therapy in Three Minutes: Overeager?
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To Call or Not?
Dr. Swain,
I am single and recently met a very handsome, personable and affectionate man at a local bar. We seemed to click instantly in a physical way and through conversation. He sent me a token email so I would have his address. We were in a dark secluded corner, so for about an hour we talked and exchanged numerous forms of affection. We seemed to have a lot in common, and what differences came up didn't appear to faze either of us. We are very different in our body types, but it was clear that we had both found the perfect opposite. Several times during the hour, he mentioned that I should email him very soon, causing me to think he wanted to communicate further. When I asked him if he would like to come visit me (I didn't specify when, though I was thinking "right away"), he sidestepped the issue, but it was very late, and he lived a good distance away, so I didn't take it too seriously. This event occurred on a Friday night, and I told my friend I would email him Monday, as my home computer had Internet problems. The next day I checked the computer, and to my surprise, it connected to the Internet ok. So I emailed him a very encouraging and upbeat message, letting him know I wanted VERY MUCH to see more of him. I also gave him my home phone #, but it has been 10 days now, and I haven't heard a word back.
Based on the intensity and apparent sincerity of our first meeting, I am surprised that he hasn't replied. My quandary is: should I wait (and for how long) patiently so as not to appear overeager, or should I try sending another email to re-affirm my interest, in case he is having some doubts about my sincerity? My gut tells me that any hesitancy on his part is not a good sign, and that if he doesn't pick up the ball, it's a lost cause. But I am trying to be optimistic and give him the benefit of the doubt, too. Can you give me a tip or two? I would be most grateful.
Thanks for writing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked what is the appropriate amount of time to wait before calling someone you’ve met and find attractive. The simple answer is this: start dialing.
For some reason, there has developed this idea that one doesn’t want to appear too eager to show someone how they truly feel. Well, there’s a good way to start a love relationship – hiding your true feelings.
There is nothing more complimenting than someone who is eager to know you, to find out more about you and who wants to spend more time with you. If the feeling is mutual, meaning your friend is interested in you too, he will be flattered and excited to hear from you. If he’s not, that’s good information to know too, because if he’s upset you’re calling him too soon, forget him. Either he doesn’t like you that much, or he’s a jerk who’s hung up on some weird made-up rule of communication.
Here’s what I think you should do: Send another email expressing your interest and give him a call as well. If he seems the least bit annoyed, blow him off. You’ve done nothing wrong, but I wouldn’t waste a lot of energy trying to convince someone to like you if I were you. You’re loveable just as you are. Let me know what happens.
P.S. - Your friend’s need to “sidestep” your interest for more intimate contact and his lack of communication indicates to me that there is a good chance he has a husband at home already.
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