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Dachshund cinema
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If God was to make a movie, it would be this one.
With unemployment in this country climbing towards a mere 100%, people are looking to have fun without spending tons of money. But how do you entertain a family of five in the age of inflation without taking out a second mortgage? Why, rent a movie of course.
And only one kind of movie rules hard enough to rock your children’s faces off while simultaneously causing your eyes to bleed-- a movie containing dachshunds.
But sadly, my magnum opus, Doxie’s Gone Wild, is not yet available in stores, so you are stuck with the following wiener dog infused choices.
The Ugly Dachshund
Though a bit dated, this black and white knee-slapper follows Jim and Fran Garrison’s attempts to keep up with the mischievous exploits of their doxies. Hilarity ensues when Jim brings home an abandoned Great Dane puppy, and it begins to think it’s a wiener dog too!
The Toy Story series
What do you get when you mix one part Tom Hanks, one part Tim Allen, and one part Dachshund? Box office magic!
This beloved, soon-to-be trilogy is one of most successful and well-loved cartoon franchises of all time. And sure, you could attribute some of that success to the celebrity voices, great writing, or cutting edge animation, but I think we know the real reason people watch Toy Story in droves…Slink, the wiener dog toy.
Raising Helen
Yes, Kate Hudson has been in some stinkers lately, but don’t let that tarnish the shine of her earlier work; especially her work with doxies.
In Raising Helen, Hudson plays a carefree socialite whose life is turned upside down when she is forced to look after the children of her recently-deceased sister. Several dozen clichéd scenes later, a dachshund named Origami shows up and dazzles the audience.
Open Season
Honestly, this wasn’t a great movie. I know it may be hard to believe that Ashton Kutcher would turn in an annoying performance in a bad film, but I assure you, that is the case. However, there are some genuinely funny scenes, and many hilarious supporting characters, including a German doxie named Mr. Wienie.
Manhattan
Alright, full disclosure: I don’t like Woody Allen’s movies. There, I said it.
I know that every film school snob and high-brow film critic is now frantically cleaning off their monocles to better see the blasphemy contained on this page, but it’s the truth. I don’t get why he’s famous, or why anyone considers his movies so magical.
But, having said that, Allen did cast a dachshund in the movie Manhattan. And I’ll give him extra props because the doxie even made the movie poster.
On second thought, maybe this guy is a good filmmaker.
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