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Ramming Speed!!!
While fans of most NFL teams worry about such arbitrary things as quality wins, playoff positioning, and meaningful games after September, those who root for the Detroit Lions don’t have that problem. Since their team only wins once every two years, friends of the Honolulu blue and silver must find joy in aspects of the game that do not include seeing their team win, or watching them improve in any way.
And during halftime of Sunday’s matchup with the Seattle Seahawks, Lions fans hit the mother load.
When the second quarter of yet another abysmal game mercifully came to a close, both teams jogged off the field. It was then that the evenings true warriors--a rag-tag crew of miniature Dachshunds--ran on. The doxies were at the stadium to take part in the highly anticipated, and often controversial, “Wiener Dog Races”. An adrenaline soaked, tour de force of elongated bodies, churning legs, and all-out fun.
Wiener Dog Races officially got their start in the early 90’s, after Miller Lite aired a commercial fictitiously showing Dachshunds drag racing each other. The ads were such a hit that cities across the country immediately began staging similar contests, much to the delight of millions of onlookers. Eventually, the races garnered so much interest that fast-food chains like Wienerschnitzel started sponsoring races, and people began to attend in droves.
Of course, the explosion in popularity of America’s new pastime didn’t please everyone. The Dachshund Club of America, for example, has become one of the loudest opponents against these events. They claim that the Dachshund anatomy is not designed for such spectacles, and warn that many of the dogs will be injured if forced to compete in repeated races. They also worry that if the sport becomes popular enough, many a precious Dachshund could be given the “Greyhound treatment” after retirement.
Top authorities in the matter agree that the best response to those critics is to kick them as hard as you can, directly in the junk. Seriously, does anyone honestly think that Dachshunds will be ruthlessly bred to race? That gaggles of miniature doxies will be holed up in secret warehouses, forced to cross-breed until they produce a supreme race of uber-fast super doxie offspring in order to line the pockets of their greedy owners with the winnings from these races?
Anyone who honestly believes this nonsense should be asked this question: Have you ever seen one of these contests? The reason people find them so fun is because as soon as the gates open, half the dogs either begin butt-sniffing in earnest, or run towards anyone they think will pet them. Only about two of the dogs ever cross the finish line.
Plus, the average Wiener Dog race is only 25-50, a far shorter distance than most doxies travel every day while in search of the perfect spot to poo. If they don’t slip a disc while pooping, they won’t do it on the track.
I’m pretty confident that Wiener Dog Races will never be as popular as NASCAR, or replace the NHL as America’s 4th favorite sport. It’s not like Los Angeles is going to give up on acquiring a professional football team so that they can coax a championship Wiener Dog Racer into town.
No, Dachshund racing is what it is; a fun experience for the doxie fanatic in all of us. So next time you hear about one, go to Wienerschnitzel, grab a 12 pack, and pick a cute four-legged badger dog to root for.
Just make sure not to pick one named the Detroit Lions.
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