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The great pigeon incident
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Pigeons fell in scores like a scene from Alfred Hitchcock
The approach of November and Thanksgiving caused me to take moment to reflect on an incident that occurred some years ago. An event that still lives in the annals of idiothood up there with Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face. In fact the event won the wienie of the year award for the perpetrator. I offer the column that generated a great deal of controversy because of the health concerns that went with it. So in the newspaper column in Little Elm, Texas I wrote at the time, I bestowed the Wienie of the year award an award that gained considerable fame over the years.
The award was presented to a maintenance person in a local school district and the exterminator that they hired to rid the district of a tremendous menace - pigeons. Curiously, the exterminator decided that poisoning pigeons and any other wild bird that wandered along was a good idea, and that the best time to do was a week while the school was in session.
In a gruesome parody of the "WKRP in Cincinnati" episode where live turkeys were flung from a helicopter to a shopping center parking lot, pigeons began plummeting from the sky, raining down on teachers and students during recess at the elementary school. Imagine if you will the look of horror on the face of our children as they watched pigeons and other birds in death spasms on the elementary school grounds.
The fact is, a lot of people consider pigeons to be something of a nuisance. They are identified as a health hazard because they have a tendency to poop all over things, including some things that you might not want pooped on, such as your car, your new tuxedo, or your elementary school building. While none of us enjoy being pooped on, even by politicians who seem to do it with such delight, few of us stoop to poisoning the creatures that poop on us, not even the politicians where it might be considered justifiable.
Believe it or not pigeons serve a very useful function in our ecology, they eat insects, snails, and slugs. The notion that they are totally useless varmints is incorrect but it is true that the build up of their poop may eventually form large health hazards such as Congress.
A second presented reason was that rain water was washing pigeon poop down cracks in the walls where it eventually began to stink. I am not entirely sure, but I have heard that water leaking down between a wall might cause mildew to grow which has quite a smell of its own, and now instead of pigeon poop our children will be smelling the hearty odor of poison as it washes down into the same cracks.
Back to our Wienie of the Year award winners. First, there are many ways to get rid of pigeons, including plastic owls, rubber snakes, plastic models of Hillary Clinton, virtually any scary creature will frighten them away. Yes, I understand that people might not approve of having such scary plastic creatures on the roof of a school, but is having convulsing and dead pigeons in the middle of a playground full of children more desirable? Is exposure to a toxic substance more pleasant?
I certainly would have preferred that the pigeons be driven away rather than destroyed, but I am not one of those animal rights people. I grew up on a farm, my wife says this is obvious, but I'm not sure what she means. Having grown up on a farm, I understand that there are times that desperate measures are called for like when you have an infestation of rattlesnakes, possums, or insurance salesmen. With that in mind I offer the following questions:
1. Was eliminating the pigeons so urgent that it could not wait until spring break?
2. Wouldn't it have been a good idea to inform the teachers of what was going on?
3. Couldn't a more humane method have at least been attempted first?
4. Once the poison is gone isn't it likely other pigeons will return?
5. Will the pigeons being gone affect casserole day in the cafeteria?
6. And finally, What kind of lunatic puts poison on top of a school building?
Of course, our wienies acted with what could only be described as the greatest concern for the health and wellbeing of our children. Kindergärtners picking up poisoned pigeon carcasses on the playground is regarded as a much preferable situation to the chance that the pigeons might poop on the building. And, of course we only have to worry about those poisoned carcasses being around for a short time, our dogs and cats local scavenger birds (hawks and buzzards), and road kill diners will take care of them and in turn ingest the poison themselves. Think about it. So, responsible exterminator and school maintenance worker - this wienie's for you.
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