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I stepped in Gwyneth Paltrow's goop

February 28, 12:09 PMDenver Motherhood ExaminerSarah Porter
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I want to like her. Really, I do. After all, who didn’t squirm in agony and yell, “Don’t do it, Brad! Don’t do it! Don’t look in the box! Gwyneth’s head is in there!”

Don’t you talk to the TV?

I was willing to go along with Gwyneth Paltrow naming her kids Apple and Moses. My own son has a unique but recognizable name. I appreciated the dichotomy of her jet-setting appearances with Mario Batali in Spain as they tasted their way across the country, while waiting to see if she would blow her vegan diet.

But, she’s opening a gym in New York City. On top of that, she wants you to do and get and make and see and be, and “nourish the inner aspect.” Nourish the inner what?

GOOP is Paltrow’s latest creation, a sort of Martha Stewart-esque website and weekly newsletter that guides your listless life with activities and fills your closet with “bargains” such as $1,100 shoes. I’m sorry, but even Carrie didn’t pay that much in “Sex and the City.”

While I appreciate Gwyneth’s attempts to knock the mud off of my Crocs and shape me up with her parenting notes, I find it incredibly difficult to relate to most of her advice. This, coming from a Denver mother in fly-over country who loves her kid, follows a healthy lifestyle, and enjoys getting out to do and get and make and see and be.

Is her advice only applicable in the socialite circles of Manhattan? Does Madonna put her stamp of approval on the dressed-down frocks (Only $2,000 for a coat! What a steal!) that Paltrow recommends as your mom uniform? I have to wonder, in a world where other celebrities such as George Clooney and Ashley Judd are going out to make a difference for the underprivileged, is GOOP really a remarkable and admirable contribution to today’s economic state of affairs?

When the head in the box begins to speak to the American masses and dictate current food and fashion musts, it’s time to close the lid.

I appreciate the sentiment, Gwyneth, but I’ll stick to my Crocs, occasional jaunts to the mountains (but probably not your Aspen), and my kid will do just fine.

And, really? GOOP? Wasn’t that a cheesy horror flick in the 70s?

How do you feel about Gwyneth’s GOOP?

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Sarah Porter is a Denver-based writer, wife to a stand-up comedian, and mother of one wild toddler.

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