Saying it out-loud: the art of self-refinement

November 8, 8:56 AMSE Michigan Islamic ExaminerHeather Laird

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How many times has one heard someone say "If only so-and-so would leave me alone, my life would be better." Or, "If I only had this and that, my life would change." These are words often heard, sometimes spoken and sometimes reflected in thought, throughout most people's lives. This deflection is very apparent in teens and for some people they get stuck in that part of development and never quite move beyond it; even as adults. What is not often recognized is that the real changes that need to occur are changes within one's self. 

For the Muslim, one is supposed to focus on the refinement of one's own soul. It is better to look inward and not outward to correct and refine one's behaviors. To the extent that a Muslim helps others is to help them with their needs: food, clothing, shelter. And, counsel those a Muslim knows well. What is not expected is for people to project their own issues onto others and make the other person take responsibility for their own issues, although it is very human to do so.The Muslim needs to strive to take responsibility and accountability for their own flaws and growth. There was a movie line in the movie The Horse Whisperer , where one of the characters is talking about their previous marriage and the woman he is talking to asks:" When did you know it was over?" The man says:" I always knew it, saying it out-loud was the hard part."  When we look at ourselves and start this refinement process, we may come to find that we know many things about ourselves already that need attention, i.e., "if I were just a little less stingy, or greedy." However, if one does not or cannot say it aloud, then you cannot make the change because it is still in a measured way hidden. Once you are able to name it and proclaim it aloud, then you can actually do something about it.  These are the actions of inward reflection and refinement to one's character and soul that Muslims should be engaged in.  

An Alexandrian Sheikh in Egypt gave an analogy that was so vivid to refinement. Translated it reads: "Most people forget about the minor sins and focus on the major sins. At the end of each day we should take time to reflect on what we did with our limbs and our tongues and recount the good and the bad. We should ask for forgiveness for those minor things that we did wrong in the day. If we do this everyday it is a similitude of a boiling pot that turns black from burning. If we wash it out right away then the blackened part is gone and replenished. If we wait and use it again and again after awhile the blackened part dries up, cracks and is caked on so that we cannot get it fully out. So, take time everyday to purify yourself by asking for forgiveness for those small deeds. If we do not do this is leads eventually to hard-heartedness."

Everyday I tell my children when you lay down to sleep, if you can feel good about the days events then go to sleep, if however, there is something that you should have done differently then correct it if you can and ask forgiveness before you go to sleep. There are minor ways in which we can all move toward self-refinement that do not cost money, but cost courage, discipline and the ability to look within.