Are some parents just better at parenting when they go it alone?

July 20, 4:07 AMLady Boomer ExaminerDena Kouremetis

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In Jill Brooke’s recent Huffington Post article, Do Men Become Better or Worse Fathers After Divorce, she points out that a growing trend shows that many men become better parents post-divorce.

This comes as a shock to many ex-wives, like myself, who may have experienced more thant their share of co-parenting conflict when the family was together, but found that when their exes finally realized the importance of the roles they play in their children’s lives, they can and do step up to the plate.

Brooke cites the example of Peter Giles, whose life was consumed by his career while his three daughters were young. The New York businessman rationalized his absences as doing what he had to do to provide for his family while his wife held down the fort.

But when divorce raised its ugly head, Giles was forced to face head-on what being a dad really is and that merely providing for them was not enough.

"The divorce was such a shock and forced me to take stock of who I was and what success should look like," said Giles in the article.

Like many divorcing fathers, Giles has joint legal custody of his daughters.  Brookes points out that the courts are more willing to grant this to them since a federal study shows that men paid child support 90 percent of the time in comparison to less than 45 percent when the mother had sole custody.

The article also reveals that when his daughters visited, Giles took on many of the roles previously played by his wife including cooking, shopping for his daughters and grocery shopping.

In some marriages, like my own, parenting styles can be so radically different due for the most part to how differently our parents modeled their parenting skills to us.  We could put on a great show in front of family members and friends, but in the end it was not only the spousal relationship that soured, but the co-parenting one as well.

In her article, Brookes quotes Don Gordon, professor emeritus of psychology at Ohio University and the director of the Center for Divorce Education in saying that parents (especially fathers) who are finally away from the stress of a failed marriage can be more relaxed and more reflective and as a result enjoy being more fully involved with their children.  

I have spoken to many parents who had younger children than mine when they divorced, however.  One of the biggest advantages they cited to their newfound independence as a parent was the ability to set the rules for their own domain without having to expect a partner else to agree to them, respect them, or enforce them.  And because their children are only with them part-time, they can develop a more single-minded focus than they ever did in the past.

Brooke uses CNBC anchor Dennis Kneale’s experiences as an example.  Kneale says divorce has made him "vastly closer " to his 9-year-old daughter. "In many families, mom is the center of everything and the husband is the supporting player," he observed. "But with divorce, I have had more one on one time with her in ways I never did before."

The article suggest that studies show that up to 27 percent of non-residential fathers are now involved with their children, tripling from only 8 percent in the 1970s.

These are not uniquely American phenomenon.  Mail Online, a British web site, recently published the article, When one parent is better than two, by  Sabrina Broadbent. In it, she argues, “Staying together for the sake of the children isn’t always the best option for warring couples.  Sometimes, splitting up can strengthen the parental bonds – and result in a much happier upbringing.”

The emotional damage done to a child by staying together may not be reversible, but endeavoring to establish a good relationship with them and perhaps  modeling what functional love looks like is a good first step toward making up for it.

Although the optimum is still a two-parent, loving household, in which both mom and dad have respect for one another and agree on how to bring up their children, some single mothers and fathers can do as much if not more than two-parent households to bring structure, love and stability to their children’s lives.

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