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A critic's diary of "Kobe: Doin' Work"
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AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill
"Kobe: Doin' Work" aired Saturday at 5 p.m. (PT), the dust has settled and the reviews are, well, mixed.
The Hollywood Reporter seemed to enjoy Spike Lee's style, while Internet Movie Database, typically a harsh critic, thought the finished product was less than stellar (read: terrible).
I thought perhaps the most sufficient way of expressing my views of the documentary was to keep a running diary of the action as I saw it...
1:15 - Opening introduction features director Spike Lee decked out in Knicks colors. Hmm. Spike notes that the film's commentary was done after Kobe scored 61 on the Knicks. You're timing is impeccable, Spike!
3:50 - Brief interview of Stephen A. Smith weighing in on Kobe. Nothing particulary noteworthy here. Just think it's interesting to see ESPN washouts pretend they are more knowledgable than the rest of us. The question is, where will Smith's annoying yet arrogant voice land next?
4:55 - Voiceover of Kobe praising coach Phil Jackson. Jackson appears to be sitting in the dark in the Lakers' lockerroom, breaking down some game film. Kobe and the rest of the Lakers are in the background tossing paper airplanes at Phil's head and braiding Sasha Vujacic's hair. Does Phil refuse to turn on the lights? Is this the Howard Hughes stage of his career? If he starts insisting that the team moisturize their hands at each timeout, then something is up.
5:50 - The Lakers pre-game chant before taking the court: Kobe: "What time is it?!" Lakers: "Game time, Hoot!" If that sounds familiar it's because the Jordan era Chicago Bulls used the exact same chant. Sorry, but I'm deducting points for lack of originality.
8:00 - Kobe's first touch of the game leads to a quick turnover. Somewhere in the crowd, Spike is cringing and thinking, Damn, we should've done the "Kyle Korver: Unidentified Gender" documentary! No worries, Spike. Take comfort in knowing that nothing you do will get worse reviews than "Miracle at St. Anna."
9:20 - Kobe says he "loves" playing against Bruce Bowen because it reminds him of the 80's when scratching and clawing were prevalent. I'm calling BS on this one. How many times a game does Kobe turn to the ref with open arms and an angry scowl, claiming the defender scratched, clawed, poked, or elbowed? Just say that Bowen is on the dirty side, you'd slap him if it didn't lead to an ejection and leave it at that.
10:20 - Did I mention Vlad Radmanovic is starting this game? Yeah, he's starting. Ah, those were the days when the Lakers apparently didn't know any better. Radman is jogging up and down the floor in a complete daze it seems. His facial expression is "deer in the headlights" meets "I just soiled myself and Phil needs to call a 20 second timeout." Good times and fond memories.
18:45 - Kobe continues to show love for Bowen. "He knows where I'm going," he says with a playful chuckle. It's funny, I can hear Kobe cussing under his breath and grinding his teeth.
19:30 - Good point by Kobe here: He says that on defense he's more of a "roamer." That's when you know a player has reached another level entirely -- when he can just roam freely on defense and still manage to cover his man. Both Kobe and LeBron can do this and, well, that's about it. Impressive.
24:20 - Almost 25 minutes into the documentary and I haven't heard a single f-bomb from Kobe or anyone. This is odd because I usually count about 20 to 30 per game from just about any player and team. I heard kids aren't allowed to sit courtside at the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston because of Kevin Garnett's filthy mouth. Studies have shown if you attend a Celtics games your rate of f-bombs per day increases dramatically. Seriously, it's true.
25:25 - During a brief pause in the action, Kobe jokingly asks Kurt Thomas if he's going to play till he's 50. Without missing a beat, Thomas answers, "Yeah." OK then. Just wondering, Kurt. Thanks. If it's his goal to play for every team in the league, he's well on his way.
30:00 - Semi-awkward moment: As Kobe sits on the bench he gives a look -- no, a glare -- to Phil. To me it says, "You're going to trash me in your tell-all book and not put me in the game when I should be in?" Phil proceeds to give Kobe a nod, as if to say, "Yeah, OK, fine, you're in." Pau Gasol looks at the coaching staff as Kobe jogs over to check into the game. Of course, Kobe laughs the whole thing off in his commentary. Nothing to see here! Look away! Ignore the pink elephant in the corner!
31:15 - Great pass by Ronny Turiaf. Something tells me the Lakers could use his big man services right about now. Maybe he could join the search party and scour the neighborhood for the regular season version of Andrew Bynum.
38:10 - Spike apparently grows bored of Kobe's commentary and asks him why teams don't try to disguise their playcalls more. Good question. Kobe basically says that there's so much film work and scouting done that it doesn't matter anyway. It's about the execution of those playcalls. Kobe didn't fully admit it, but most teams can't stop him anyway. That's what it boils down to. Most teams don't have the luxury of the unstoppable force. The Lakers do.
46:05 - Halftime, score notted at 53. I won't lie, I'm a little nauseous. The camerawork is pretty atrocious in my opinion. Rumor has it Spike had 30 cameras on the action. Really? I counted one and it was on Kobe the entire first half. I didn't know where the ball was or where the rest of the Lakers were. Nobody noticed this in the editing room? Or did Spike and his crew just forego the editing process? I might puke.
46:15 - Michele Tafoya interviews Kobe. As with every pre-game, mid-game and post-game interview, nothing is said and nothing is accomplished. Fantastic.
53:00 - Second half is underway and, thanks to the Blair Witch style camerawork, my dizzy spells have returned. I've seen so many close-up shots of Kobe's face that I'm starting to pick apart his appearance like a dermatologist. Kobe's commentary is mildly informative, but I'm pretty sure Spike fell asleep 20 minutes ago. He awoke to ask Kobe why more teams don't run the triangle offense. Because it's hard to grasp, Spike. That's why. Now go back to sleep.
57:55 - Oh boy, this is precisely what I was worried about. One of the alleged 30 cameras panned to the stands to find Kobe's daughters holding up "Daddy for MVP" signs. What's missing is the part where Spike ordered a reluctant production assistant to create the scene or be horrifically burned by the director's scalding hot coffee. I joke. But seriously, this is awfully contrived. We get it. Your wife forgave you for the whole Colorado incident. Your kids love you. Stop shoving this crap down my throat! I'm choking and gasping for air!
1:00:00 - An hour has passed and my vision is becoming severely impaired. I'm googling "LASIK surgery."
1:04:15 - Shot of Kobe's feet backpedaling. Ugh.
1:05:30 - Pau Gasol with a nice heads up lay-in. How valuable is Gasol to this Lakers team? We have a pretty good idea of Kobe's value, but Gasol's is probably a lot higher than we think. By the way, thanks to the wonders of HD television, Gasol's shoulder acne is even more vibrant.
1:07:30 - Maybe Phil is shying away from the spotlight a little, but Kobe coaches this team every bit as much as Phil does. After just watching the Lakers' umpteenth timeout huddle, Kobe's influence is completely evident. Not saying this is a bad thing. After all, MJ steered the Bulls' ship for close to his entire career. But as we know that team was coached by Jackson as well. Does he give his stars too much control nowadays? Is he as effective in dealing with egos as he once was? Discuss.
1:14:25 - After nailing a buzzer-beating jumper at the end of the 3rd quarter, Kobe chats it up in Italian (I think) with Vujacic. The fact Kobe can speak numerous languages has to be his most underrated aspect. Think about it: Maybe the best player on the face of the earth and capable of speaking multiple languages. Is there anything he can't do? I'm struggling to find on-court imperfections. Being able to speak the language of a teammate brings camaraderie to another level.
1:19:15 - At this point, the game is basically over. Lakers are up big in the 4th and Kobe is already getting his knees iced on the sideline. He went wild after an electric dunk by Turiaf. Maybe it's just me, but some of his teammates seem surprised by his celebration. Who is this guy? Why is he giving me advice? Why is he so upbeat? I'm not saying he's faking or insincere, but if someone told you that 30 cameras were rolling, you'd submit an Oscar-worthy performance. You just would.
1:21:30 - Final score: Lakers 106, Spurs 85.
1:23:00 - Yet another shot of Kobe's daughters still holding the "Daddy for MVP" signs. Have they put them down since the last time we saw them? Kobe's wife gives a wave and his daughters force a smile. I'm tempted to call Child Protective Services. Child work laws are clearly being broken. At least Spike reiterated that lovey-dovey image for his audience. I was confused the first time.
1:25:00 - Shot of Kobe exiting the arena with his family... and the "Daddy for MVP" signs. Don't forget those. Spike might need them for the sequel, "Kobe: Family Man." Kobe and family drive away into the sunset in a Range Rover. Roll credits.
Overall, I'm usually partial to "day-in-the-life" type documentaries. Who isn't? They're interesting, especially when they're centered around a global icon. But the fact of the matter is, this documentary got off on the wrong foot almost immediately. In a previous article, I mentioned the rumors that Spike battled Kobe for creative control of the film. After seeing "Kobe: Doin' Work in its entirety, there's no reason to believe the rumors were false.
Yes, a good chunk of it was very contrived. During the voiceovers Kobe would over explain what he was doing or saying. Furthermore, I simply don't understand why, out of all of the games, this one was chosen. A mid-season game against the Spurs? I understand the rivalry and the playoff implications, but Kobe has such an interesting and eventful life story that needed to be included. Delve into his upbringing, ask him about his three titles, bring up the feud with Shaq and discuss his 81 point performance versus the Raptors. The scope of this documentary was much too narrow.
That being said, a decent amount of what he said in the commentary was informative. I like the inside, play-by-play viewpoints and opinions of teammates and opponents. The peak inside the Lakers' lockerroom was a treat and some of their key strategies were interesting. And, well, that's about it for the positives...at least until my nausea subsides.
Final Grade: C-
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