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Couples Retreat: Reconnecting with your partner
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What if you meet the love of your life and you are already married? This question is sometimes pondered by someone when they think about their current relationship not being what they hoped, after it hits a different point. While practicing Marriage therapy, I have heard this thought discussed. Lust and love are two concepts often intertwined and misunderstood. “I love you, but I’m just not in love with you anymore” is used in much the same way. When one marries, it is supposed to be for better or for worse. So, why, when worse occurs, can it often be assumed that a person isn’t “in love” with another anymore? These are thoughts that lead a partner to stray or have an affair, often rationalizing the behavior. Webster’s dictionary defines lust as “an excessive or unrestrained sexual desire”. Love is defined as “an intense affectionate concern for another person”. “Concern for another“, represents the empathy necessary to have a loving relationship. It is the component necessary to making your partner’s needs as important as your own needs.
The excitement felt when meeting someone new is often misunderstood for being “in love”. This excitement is something I often refer to as “newness”. Newness, is not the being “in love” that people often think it is. Unconditional love is what makes a relationship strong and long lasting. The unconditional love given to children or other family members should be the same love given to significant others. It is through a strong relationship of unconditional love that children are provided with a safe family environment. A strong relationship that is built on the fundamental value of unconditional love has to be made up of forgiveness. No person can get through their life without unintentionally hurting another. There are some people who continually hurt others by meeting their own selfish needs without being empathic toward another. These are unhealthy relationships that attending therapy would benefit. In most cases though, hurt is unintentional toward a significant other, and it is in these instances partners must forgive mistakes, in order, for their love to grow into a deeper more fulfilling union.
The triangular theory of love, developed by Robert Sternberg, defines love as being made up of intimacy, passion, and a decision to commit. Intimacy has to do with closeness, while passion refers to the sexual attraction people feel toward each other. Having all three components creates what Sternberg refers to as “consummate”. There are many combinations that create different versions of love, but the absence of one component can cause partners to feel less satisfied. Affairs are often built on passion and commitment to the lustful relationship. Affairs lack the intimacy of communication and trust, because they are built on apathy toward another’s feelings. It is a common phenomenon that relationships built from an affair end because of an absence of trust. One or both partners have difficulty believing that the lack of concern for the previous partner’s feelings needed to have an affair will be the same apathy that person will have for the new partner.
Building a strong relationship requires a strong friendship built on forgiveness. In addition, keeping a relationship new and exciting requires conscious effort. The movie, “Couples Retreat” portrays how couples can get into the monotony of everyday life and forget to make time for fun together, while taking each other for granted and often treating each other in disrespectful ways. While not everyone needs to venture off to “Eden” to reconnect or swim with sharks, as Vince Vaughn does, in order to build trust; couples retreats can be an effective way to open or reopen communication within the relationship. You don’t necessarily need Salvadore, the Couple’s Retreat yoga instructor, to increase passion in your relationship. In fact, he may even decrease it. There are many things a couple can do to increase passion, intimacy and commitment on their own.
1) Take a couple assessment to determine how you deal with conflict and happiness in your relationship. John Gottman offers an assessment at http://www.gottmancouplesretreats.com/about/relationship-quiz-test.aspx
2) Find a couples retreat in your area or venture off for a weekend couple’s retreats. Check out this site for different locations http://www.retreatsonline.com/guide/couples.htm.
3) Occasionally check in with a couple’s therapist. Some of the strongest relationships that I have seen as a therapist are the couples that just occasionally check in with therapy if they are having a difficult situation they cannot agree on, or are feeling somewhat distant from each other.
4) Have a set date night. It is easy to get caught up with daily life and forget your partner, so make a night that no matter what will always be reserved for each other.
5) Schedule a couple meeting time once per week. Use this time to talk about things that felt unresolved, review each other’s schedules for the coming week, and plan time together. This will help prevent miscommunication and frustration from one or both partners feeling distant.
An affair or a new relationship is not the only way to feel newness and excitement. Awareness of the proximity of your romantic connection helps to determine if you need to spend more fun time together. The couple is at the top of hierarchy in a family, so keeping your relationship open with communication and close with intimacy will keep the children happy too. Children often base their level of happiness on their parents’ happiness. So, take a break, make time for each other, and reconnect.
Movie Trailer: Couples Retreat
