Considering leaving your marriage?

February 17, 8:27 AMSF Marriage and Relationships ExaminerLisa Brookes Kift

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I went to see another couples therapist in Marin, Susan Pease Gadoua, speak on the topic of divorce.  She has written a book called Contemplating Divorce: A Step by Step Guide to Whether to Stay or Go.  I haven't read the book myself but she had some interesting things to say that I'd like to share.

People considering divorce are often literally in a state of survival mode - or "fight and flight" -  as they re-conceptualize their lives, roles, identities and futures.  Physiologically they tend to be in a more aggressive, crazy-making place as they deal with the pain involved - or the question, "what next?"

Bottom line:  It's next to impossible to engage in clear and rational decision making for a person in this place - let alone have productive discussions with each other.

For this reason, she suggested that couples take a "time out" from the marriage for six months to a year to get a clearer perspective on  whether they truly want to end it.  This isn't about the classic "separation leading to a divorce" routine.  This is a mindful decision to take an extended break with the goal to clarify whether their marriage is truly over.

Not a bad idea in our rush-to-divorce culture.