How to handle the turkey (not the bird) at the Thanksgiving table

November 9, 3:24 PMSF Marriage and Relationships ExaminerLisa Brookes Kift

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Handling your Thanksgiving "turkey."
AP Photo

Are you hosting a Thanksgiving meal and are nervous about what the "turkey" in your family might do to spoil the day?  Or are you bringing your boyfriend or girlfriend home for Thanksgiving and are concerned about what your family's behavior might say about you - at the very least being gravely embarrassed?

You are not alone.   

Every year about this at least a few of my therapy clients discuss and process the stress they feel around holiday scenarios involving their family.  The fears are usually not unfounded as they've witnessed the behavior before.

• What if Uncle Bob gets drunk as a skunk and starts mouthing off like a truck driver?
• What if Aunt Ellen shares more personal stories about her sexcapades with my pre-teen daughter?
• What if my brother spends the whole meal talking about how great he is and showing off?

Here are some ways to handle the "turkey" at the Thanksgiving table that will address some of the potential situations:

• If it's about having a new girlfriend or boyfriend over, describe your concern in advance to relieve some of your worry.  That way if the "turkey" does his/her thing  - it's not a surprise. 
• Remember it's not about you.  It's common for people to personalize other's behavior as if this person doing "x, y and z" says something about them.  You are two separate people.  You are not them and they are not you even if they are family.
• Set boundaries in advance.  If the person has a pattern of repeated unhelpful behavior, either don't invite them or tell them about your concerns and ask them to please be mindful of how their actions impact others (especially if there are children around).
• Set boundaries in the moment. If the "turkey" is being truly offensive (going after someone at the table) or inappropriate (saying things not meant for children's ears) ask them to leave.  You have a right to protect those from harm.  If you are not hosting the meal, get up and leave.  You don't have to subject yourself to unacceptable behavior either. 

Do you find it interesting that families allow behavior amongst themselves that they wouldn't tolerate by friends and others out in the world?  I do.  People have different ideas about how far loyalty goes. 

Because the holidays bring families and extended families together - this is the time of year that stress goes up for quite a few people because of this very thing. 

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a therapist in San Rafael, Marin County.  Find more relationship tips by Lisa in The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, a resource for emotional and relationship health.