Are you out of control with your need for control?

October 5, 12:26 PMSF Marriage and Relationships ExaminerLisa Brookes Kift

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Get a grip, will ya?  Or perhaps you should loosen it.

People who engage in a controlling pattern of operating in the world may appear to have it together (and they may convince themselves of that as well) but in actuality, their intense drive to maintain a certain level of control can be a big problem.

You likely know someone (is it you?)  who is controlling in their interpersonal relationships.  This can be demonstrated by being demanding, competitive or being highly  attached to controlling others and situations.

There is also the organizational type of control where the person feels the need to control what the group does.  In the work place it might be reflected in an intense drive to climb the ladder or even compete with the guy in charge for power.

You also might know someone who is compelled to control their immediate environment where things "have" to be a certain way.

On a certain level, a desire for control is not a bad thing when it helps to motivate and get things done.  However, when there are negative consequences to self and others, that's when the underlying motivations for the need for "control" might benefit from a deeper look.

There are a number of ways why people engage in the unhealthy version of "controlling,"  Consider the following experiences and how they might lead to a need for control:

• You experienced a loss of control as a child or early in life which has led you to set up a control defense mechanism to guard against disaster.
• You may have had highly controlling parents so in order to protect yourself from being controlled in this way again, you control others.
• You didn't get love and acceptance as a child so you control to decrease your vulnerability to rejection.
• You feel deficient and controlling others and situations defends against that uncomfortable feeling.

Most people don't typically feel the drive to control at this level unless there's something they're defending against.  Defense mechanisms are there for a reason - they help us psychologically and emotionally survive!  But - often times they can benefit from being re-assessed. 

Food for Thought:

If this person is you, what might your need for control be protecting you from? 

Do you still need protecting in this way?  

What are the negative consequences to yourself and others for your need for control?