What's Your Relationship Attachment Style?

October 12, 11:47 AMSF Marriage and Relationships ExaminerLisa Brookes Kift

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Do you engage in healthy intimate relationships?  Or do you find yourself struggling with issues blocking this?

How you "do" relationships is one of the factors to be considered in assessing your general relationship health.  Attachment theory (relationships between humans) has its roots in the pioneering work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who studied the importance of an infant's felt sense of security with a primary caregiver.  The quality of this crucial relationship will often dictate the infant's attachment patterns - and how they "do" their relationships later in life as adults.     

There are four types of adult attachment styles.  You may not fit perfectly into one style but rather experience an overlap of two.

1. Secure-Autonomous:   You believe relationships are generally safe.  You are comfortable with emotions and intimacy.  Your are optimistic about relationships lasting and bringing you satisfaction.
2. Avoidant:   You devalue relationships and may feel as if you don’t need them.  You are uncomfortable with intimacy and vulnerability.  You struggle with trusting people.
3. Ambivalent:   You fear and often worry about being abandoned.  You are anxious and have a hard time coping when you’re emotionally triggered.  You feel like a victim.
4. Unresolved/Disorganized:   You struggle to function, control your emotions and may dissociate or “space out.”

If you've never examined yourself through this sort of lens, you're not alone.  Unless you've stumbled upon research or writings on attachment theory, this might be the first time you've seen such a classification. 

Do you see yourself somewhere in there?  If you think back as far as you can in your childhood, do you see any parallel in how you might have felt in the care of your mom, dad or other primary caregiver?  If you struggle in your relationships and you suspect it's partially due to the lens in which you view relationships (they're safe, they're unnecessary, they're not to be trusted, etc) you might benefit from exploring this a bit further. 

I recommend the book, Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape our Capacity to Love, for a complete explanation of infant attachment and the impact of having the various attachment styles.  If you're interested in learning more about issues around adult attachment, I'm doing a series of articles over the next 6 weeks called, The Brain and Relationships Series.  You can subscribe to the feed on the site to be notified of the next article - or check back each week.

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