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Marriage advice from divorce lawyers
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The Kiss by Gustav Klimt
Who better to ask for marriage advice than the people who every day see the consequences of failed marriages?
In recent interviews, three San Diego-based family lawyers, each of whom has also served as a judge pro tem with the California Superior Court, shared their perspectives on making marriages thrive.
1. Listen, actively and respectfully.
James Scott, of Scott Family Law, cited active and respectful listening as important in marriage. Scott also stated, “A spouse must make an effort to let their spouse know that they have been heard and that their voice is important.”
2. Take the selection process seriously.
Alan Edmunds, of the Edmunds Law Firm, provided a pragmatic piece of advice that is too often overlooked, perhaps for its seeming obviousness: you get to choose who you marry. Choose wisely. Edmunds suggested that delaying marriage and taking sufficient time to get to know the other person is crucial.
3. Share responsibilities.
John Tannenberg, of the Law Offices of John Tannenberg, emphasized the need for a couple to be partners, sharing household duties like cooking and cleaning, as well as child-related issues such as helping with homework and attending school events.
4. Establish a common set of goals to achieve.
This tip, from Tannenberg, is another that seems apparent, but may be easy to forget, particularly as spouses are busy taking care of their home and children. Tannenberg advocates date nights to ensure that a couple has time for themselves, without the kids. Following from Tannenberg’s advice, it may also be helpful for a couple to schedule time to discuss and reevaluate what they are working to achieve together.
5. Get in touch with your spirituality.
Edmunds posits the most controversial advice, claiming that, in his experience, “Couples with no religious affiliation are more apt to divorce.” There is evidence to the contrary. For example, a 2004 study by the Barna Group, a research organization focusing on faith and culture, found that “born again Christians have the same likelihood of divorce as do non-Christians.”
However, Edmunds’ assertion that a spiritual connection is part of a healthy relationship may be less contentious. Whether a couple connects through their religious beliefs or via a mutual value of no religion, the commonality of beliefs may help provide cohesion. On the other hand, the important factor may be communication rather than religious similarity. Discussing spiritual values and how they affect a couple’s common goals can contribute to a stronger relationship.
Communication is undoubtedly the most common advice proffered in marriage literature, and it is no different in this case. Each lawyer identified communication as a key success factor. It is in the myriad of ways that communication is important – from deciding how to share household responsibilities to reconciling religious differences – that couples have chances, over and over, to make or break their marriages.
The family lawyers featured in this article offer divorce mediation, as well as traditional divorce litigation services. Their insight will also be featured in an upcoming article, “The new divorce: mediation instead of litigation.”
Further reading:
Resources for interchurch & interfaith marriages
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relationships
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