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Ask the Divorce Guru: husband is a womanizer
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Deeply hurt because of cheating husband?
Reader Asks:
I have been married for nearly 15 years and recently my husband was
becoming mean so I checked his email and phone messages and found that he was a
womanizer.
I was deeply hurt and I still cannot believe because to me he was very faithful,
pure, honest, and serious person.
He seems like he is desparate getting girls and he does not even have a guilty
mind. He says that I caused it
I am trying to act like a super nice wife, cleaning house, cooking, smiling, not
complaining....knowing his bad behavior.
I have many problems such as my mother's illness, job loss....he acts like he is
supportive but while I am going back and forth to Japan to take care of my ill
mother, he tries to cheat.
I should conisder divorce but I am very afraid of being alone in the world... I
recently lost my father, I don't have any relatives in the US....
If I stay home, I am always waiting for my husband to come back and misses him
more and more... It is taking so much energy and I cannot even focus on my
study....and everything.
I would appreciate your help very much.
I really want to find frinds who can be with me under this difficult
circumstances.
Susan*
Kim Hess Divorce Guru Writes:
Susan,
I would like to say thank you so much for reaching out and writing to me regarding your relationship. I also apologize for taking so long to respond.
Okay Susan, first let us start with you. You are so concerned with your husband and what you can do to "fix" his bad behavior. I'm sure you've heard the saying "You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself." So change yourself. You can be the perfect wife (sounds like you are!) and it will not change the way he is behaving. Only your husband can decide to change, and right now it doesn't seem like he wants to change.
So what do you do? You make Susan happy. Imagine that! Sweetie, you've got so much stress going on right now from what I can tell. Your sick mother, traveling back and forth to Japan, a cheating husband, studying, cooking, cleaning...I'm sure the list goes on. What are you doing for you? Take yourself out to eat, go see a movie, take a walk in a pretty park, read a good book, take the afternoon off and visit a museum, dance around to a favorite song that makes you happy, relaxing showers. There are so many things that you have probably pushed aside because you're so worried about everyone else. You deserve to be happy and joyful. That's why you are here.
Take one day at a time. Enjoy your mother and the nurturing you're giving to her in her time of need. Concentrate on your studies and be thankful for the education and learning you're receiving. For now, no one is suggesting you leave your husband or get a divorce. That may be in the future, it may not. Let's concentrate on right now. Right now think of some things that will make you happy. I suggest going to Meetup.com and joining a few groups that sound fun to you. You will find the happier you get, the stronger you will get which will enable you to deal with your husband's behavior towards you...you may find you will no longer tolerate it and leave him. You may also find that with your new happiness, esteem, and strength he will change his ways for the better. I also wanted to state that you can not cause someone to cheat on you...when your husband says this, it is his own guilt which is causing him to place the responsibility on you. He is a grown man, and that was his choice to chase other girls...has nothing to do with you!
Whatever the outcome Susan, think about you first. If you don't who else will?
Namaste,
Kim Hess your Divorce Guru
p.s. I suggest you check out the website www.Divorce360.com. They have a great forum where you can anonymously share and ask questions from the community. This will be a big help in knowing that you're not alone!
Want more warm fuzzies? Listen to "Kim Hess Divorce Guru" on the radio anytime, anywhere from your computer!
*name has been changed to protect privacy
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