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Powerball, Healthcare and Uncle Sam (reformed)
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(Photo / morguefile.com)
Uncle Sam had an ingrown nail on his baby toe. He had no health insurance but he did have a Powerball ticket. And while he walked gingerly, he smiled broadly. We took up a collection for him to go to a podiatrist but there he met a girl in high heels from Alaska. When she asked why he would be at a foot doctor’s office, he lied and said he won the Powerball and was only there for a pedicure, would she like one also. She referred him to a nail salon, he referred to her as a tart. Thinking Powerball she immediately saw potential for a tort reformation of her life and sued him for sexual harassment. And there he was again: Uncle Sam with an ingrown nail on his small baby toe. We took mercy and this time brought him a Powerball ticket. Coming from Jersey it was the least we could do.
Discovering that in fact he was not a winner and just some guy with bad feet the lady in high heels from the podiatrist office dropped the pit bull routine, put on some lipstick and tried her luck in upstate New York. We got stuck with Uncle Sam in New Jersey. It was fitting that Jersey was recently the gambling capital of America with everything from horse races to casinos to the plain old lottery. Because with no health insurance Uncle Sam’s only hope was a throw of the dice. You see Uncle Sam’s little toe got worse when he was declared to have a pre-existing condition…Not to worry he told us in 2007 with his real estate investments he could easily repay all of us back. What he didn’t tell us was that his real estate investments were really a bet with the local Chinese bookie that the Yankees would win it all in 2008. That year I listened to Jimmy Rollins and went with Philly. That October I cashed in with Jimmy and Uncle Sam was in hock to the Chinese. His toe was getting worse.
By November what Uncle Sam had called a real estate investment outright crashed and he looked to me for a bail out. “At least for the Part D donut part” he asked. It seemed that he hadn’t even planned to fund himself for a Dunkin Donuts donut. I thought on this bail out for Uncle Sam, it was taxing…but it was Uncle Sam. Grandmom said he should stand on his on two feet. I reminded her that he had a bad little toe. She said she saw fat girls from the ghetto who were more precious than him and Uncle Sam already had enough debt. Ok I said, we’ll get him some health care for his toe and then send him to Virginia where we had some deeds on some property. Those deeds in Virginia are worthless she insisted. “He’ll only spend our money on those daggertly numbers, 220, 215…whatever or some sassy tramp from Alaska like the last time we sent him to the doctor” she said. I reminded her that those were his Powerball numbers and not the dailies, which had played out long ago. Besides, from now on he promised to wise up and listen to Jimmy Rollins for all of his future bets and to stop combining his mega dreams with Powerball. That was last week. What we didn’t know was that the winning numbers would turn out to be 2-20-21-5-44, with a kicker of 23.
Suddenly he was smiling again saying that health care was for suckers. Which is how we felt when Uncle Sam left us for some tramp in upstate New York.
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Darnel Tanksley is a freelance writer and the author of the self published satire/comedy "The Adventures of Muhammad Smith and The Million Man March". Tanksleyd@aol.com
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